October is National Eat Together, Eat Better Month. To celebrate this month, you should have more family dinners. Apparently, the belief is that if you eat with other people, you tend to eat healthier and what could possibly be better than something delicious and nutritious? The Stuff is both and is also a proven way to lose weight and it will also turn you into a mindless Stuffie. So celebrate Eat Together, Eat Better Month with the blog and The Stuff and put down the Oreos.
Questions
Jon: Do you eat snow? Is it really as shameful as these guys act like it is?
Sandy: I would eat clean freshly fallen snow, but not if it’s fucking MOVING apparently of its own free will. Who the fuck sees something bubbling out of the ground and thinks, “gee, I should put this in my mouth”??
Jon: Well who looks at an aquatic mollusk and thinks yummy? Or that a cow’s teat would produce a tasty drink? Or really most of what we eat? You just have to put it in your mouth and find out. If you open the refrigerator and something is moving, do you leave it there?
Sandy: Well, that depends, Jon. Is it an as-of-yet uncooked lobster, or some mystery white goo shit that plopped out of an open container? Because if it’s not a live lobster, I’d probably just set the house on fire and never go back. Do you wish the father of that kid actually just choked to death on The Stuff immediately? I did.
Jon: That guy was probably a bad father before he got on The Stuff and a total asshole after so, yes, I wish he choked. Would you eat something called The Stuff?
Sandy: I mean, when I was a kid I ate something called “Gushers”, so maybe. “Now I’m a big girl and I’ve decided there’s something I like better. Much better.” Were you waiting for her to say “big sloppy cock” afterwards? What’s with the breathy porn voice? And the neon sign? And the glittery strip club curtains??
Jon: Sometimes you need a horny ad for the white stuff. How big of a threat is Big Cookie?
Sandy: Who or what the fuck is Big Cookie? I can’t remember. How fucking awesome is Chocolate Chip Charlie though?
Jon: Big Cookie is the cookie cartel trying to get to the bottom of The Stuff and its massive popularity since it’s eating into their profits. Chocolate Chip Charlie is a badass. He sure as hell ain’t the Kentucky Colonel and his hands are lethal weapons. Do you want to get mixed up with industrial spies?
Sandy: Eh. No thank you. Sounds like a hassle. “Yes, I suppose we do have to keep the world safe for ice cream.” Would you consider the world to be a dangerous place for ice cream, Jon?
Jon: Well climate change could melt all the ice cream in the world and that would be really bad for ice cream. Also, everyone wants to eat it. The world is a very unsafe place for ice cream. Could your nickname be Mo?
Sandy: I’ve already got a friend with the nickname Mo, so no. Can we please dress up and go to a fancy affair and inform everyone whose hands we shake that they have sweaty palms?
Jon: Are we shaking hands again or fist bumping? In any event, I’ve been doing that for years. Tastes good, healthy and doesn’t spot, what could possibly go wrong?
Sandy: Well, apparently quite a bit can go wrong. As this documentary has shown us, a substance that tastes good, is healthy (though how would they know since no one can identify what it’s made of) and can’t spot can actually mindfuck you and take over your whole body until it decides to ooze out and leave your corpse shell behind. Does every stone wall have a chink in it? Can you also please explain what the fuck that means?
Jon: It means that even the strongest wall has a flaw. A chink is like a chip and if there are too many, your wall sucks. Is Jason a national hero?
Sandy: Absolutely! That kid’s a little badass. Wanna go to a supermarket with me and throw everything we see onto the ground in a crazed fury? Also, was 90% of that supermarket just The Stuff?
Jon: Oh fuck yeah. That looked like so much fun. That’s what The Stuff was after- supermarket domination. Is The Stuff really not any different from yogurt or ice cream?
Sandy: I’ve never had yogurt or ice cream explode out of my motel mattress and practically harpoon someone to a wall, so I’m calling bullshit on that one. Does watching women in bathing suits and fur coats make you want to buy whatever they’re holding?
Jon: Yup! How much do you love The Stuff song?
Sandy: It’s pretty catchy, but I don’t get how they can claim it’s the taste that delivers when they also say enough is never enough. Did Moe punch that guy on the boat halfway across the room when he was leaving the yacht?
Jon: Mo is a strong motherfucker. Could the urge to migrate be a side effect of too much dessert?
Sandy: Hmm… I’m going to say yes. Who tries to feed someone else’s dog without asking??
Jon: My wife. Is eating The Stuff that was left on your face after it exploded out of your mouth the same as eating vomit?
Sandy: No. Vomit isn’t sentient and generally stops moving after it’s settled from having been launched from someone’s guts. The dog was supposedly harmless, but his human seemed terrified of him. At what point would you have locked that dog in a room somewhere and run for your life, before or after he unplugged the phone from the wall?
Jon: Oh long before that but Alison would have let him back out. Can you get enough of The Stuff?
Sandy: If enough is never enough, then yes AND no? Is enough never enough, Jon? Can that even be fucking possible?
Jon: When you’re talking about The Stuff, enough is truly never enough. The shit turns you into a bottomless pit so you just keep eating it. Does Jason need to learn how to kick people in the groin?
Sandy: You know, it’s a pretty good life skill to have. Probably could get you out of quite a few unpleasant situations. Is “I just knocked a hole in that sucker” your favorite line in the movie? If not, what’s your favorite?
Jon: “No one is as dumb as I appear to be.” I find that line to be very relatable. How many other situations is it wise to get in a car with a stranger?
Sandy: Wise? An ambulance I think. Necessary or convenient, perhaps a taxi cab or an Uber? How many children do you think ran screaming from their homes and straight into a stranger’ s car when their parents tried to make them eat broccoli after seeing this movie?
Jon: All of them. Does Jason deserve the Congressional Medal of Freedom?
Sandy: For SURE. Can The Stuff communicate with all other Stuff? Is it like a sentient hive mind sort of deal?
Jon: Yes. The Stuff is just underground bee semen. Should you ever climb into an empty tanker truck?
Sandy: That’s a big fat no for me overall. Though that is how June and Janine escaped Gilead in the Handmaid’s Tale. I think for me, the question more specifically is, would you climb into an empty tank clearly meant to collect The Stuff while running to try and escape The Stuff?
Jon: Probably not. How awesome is the Abe Vigoda/Clara Peller cameo?
Sandy: Is an Abe Vigoda cameo ever not awesome?? I’d say the same for Clara Peller, though I’m not sure I can recall another movie where she had a cameo. Did Moe & Nicole seem a little casual about all of this shit as they were investigating the origins of The Stuff?
Jon: She had a role in Moving Violations that, if I remember correctly, involved her squatting in a urinal. The casualness was a ruse so people didn’t catch on. Was Abe Vigoda ever young?
Sandy: I don’t think so. I think he popped out as a 67 year old man 400 years ago and just kept slowly aging from then until he passed away. Would burning The Stuff off of someone’s face be your first idea?
Jon: Ordinarily my first choice would be licking it off but that was clearly a bad idea with The Stuff so fire is always a good second choice. How many times do you think you need to eat The Stuff before you become a mindless Stuff-controlled being?
Sandy: I think it’s probably a slow build and might depend on how strong your will is? Would you just stand there as murderous psycho alien marshmallow fluff shot out of your mattress and plastered some dude (who had just tried to kill you) all over the wall of your motel room?
Jon: If he had just tried to kill me, I would let insane rhinoceroses kill him too. Do you know what a marshmallow is made of? No trick, I really don’t know.
Sandy: I’m pretty sure it’s just sugar and horse hooves. Maybe some vanilla. What is stealing a truck of Stuff going to prove about how it’s taken from the ground??
Jon: Not much but it would definitely expose the potential contamination risks in the supply chain. If you see someone who you don’t think belongs on your job site, is it wise to approach him alone?
Sandy: Certainly not in this scenario, though it was helpful to Mo. Should they call him “One Punch Moe”? What’s another good nickname for that dude?
Jon: Kool Moe Dee. Moe-hammad Ali. Why was Mo talking about going to a large city but then he goes to a castle?
Sandy: Maybe he just doesn’t know things. Would you be willing to touch the Stuff after all of that? Even to trick a brain dead Stuff addicted cop?
Jon: Not a chance in hell. How popular would Colonel Spears be today?
Sandy: I think he’d probably at least be president. Would you sit on the ledge of a building after the guy you’re next to suggested he could throw you off the tower?
Jon: Only long enough to throw him off. What do you think a suitable reward would be for Colonel Spears?
Sandy: Like, a reward for him to receive, or a reward on/for his head? Do you trust an army that clown car piles into taxi cabs to go to war?
Jon: In a time of a national Stuff crisis, I would trust anyone who didn’t eat the shit. Did you expect Stuffies to bleed The Stuff?
Sandy: I don’t know if I was expecting it, but I wasn’t entirely surprised by it either. Does Chocolate Chip Charlie “eat them guns” for breakfast?
Jon: Yes but only after 3 bowls of Cookie Crisp. Is this World War III?
Sandy: I don’t know. Do nations across the globe have to be fighting each other for it to qualify as a world war, or can it be that we all join together to fight an alien substance? How mortifyingly uncomfortable were you when the colonel said “I will permit this colored man to speak”? I’m not sure my eyes or mouth could have opened any wider. I believe I also had both hands on my face, like Macaulay Culkin’s classic Home Alone expression.
Jon: By that point, I would have been surprised if he hadn’t said something racist. How Much does Mo remind you of Nic Cage?
Sandy: I hadn’t made the connection on my own at all, but I think I can kind of see it a little bit in some of his facial features. Personality wise I kind of got a less charming and funny Ryan Reynolds. Were you as devastated as I was when Charlie started getting all funky and you realized he was full of Stuff too?
Jon: The first time I saw it, for sure. The 100th- not so much. Should you eat flammable foods?
Sandy: I drank some tequila last night, and I’m pretty sure that’s decently flammable. I’ll do that shit again too. How about THAT facial???
Jon: Gross. Did the Stuffies seem more content than normal people?
Sandy: I think it’s very difficult to be content when you’re able to pay attention to what’s going on around you, so yes.
Jon: Should we force feed The Stuff to corrupt CEOs?
Sandy: Absolutely yes.
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