October is National Roller Skating Month. Roller rinks were once a staple of American life. They were a place to fall on your face while performing foolish tricks to impress girls who were way more amused by your fall than by any of your tricks or pick-up lines. The floors of most roller rinks were about an even mixture of concrete and skin. They are a part of Americana that has largely vanished but not here at National Horror-Daze. This week we celebrate roller skating and rinks with Death Rink.
Questions
Jon: Did you like the intro song? Because I fucking hated it.
Sandy: I was so unimpressed I can’t even remember it. I’ll have to listen to it again and revisit my answer. You know what? No. I’m not revisiting anything having to do with this movie if I can’t just do it in my own head. I’m just going to go ahead and in the words of the two movie reviewer dudes from In Living Color, say I also fucking “HATED IT”.
Jon: If you owned a roller rink, what would you call it? Has to be better than "Roller King."
Sandy: Wellll, if I could get a roller rink and weed store combo going, I’d call it “Rolling Stoned”. Or if I were to name it after my own athletic prowess, it’d be called “Slip Slidin’ Away” or maybe “Free Fallin’”. And if it were a paint party/roller rink I could call it “Smock & Roll”. HAVE YOU HAD ENOUGH YET, JON??? What would you name your own Roller Rink? Also, remember “Wok & Roll” in the JV Mall??!!
Jon: "Broken Ankles And Bloody Knees: An Authentic Skating Experience." Wok & Roll was the cause of numerous bouts of diarrhea. I remember it fondly. How do you feel about borrowing shoes?
Sandy: No thank you. Though I guess it happens when I go bowling if I forget my bowling shoes. Or when the soles of my bowling shoes melt off after being left in my car for several summer seasons, which just so happens to be the case right now at this very moment. Can you tell that I’m stoned right now? By my writing? If I hadn’t just told you?
Jon: I kind of assumed that was usually the case. Would you rather your nickname was ho or slut?
Sandy: I’m pretty sure you already call me both of those names, sooooo…
Jon: I don’t think I ever called you slut but ho is like our term of endearment. Do they think the creepy caller is a good thing?
Sandy: It seems like they at least think it’s entertaining for a while. Who the fuck was the creepy caller if it wasn’t the actual killer? Just a coincidence? I have a vague memory of Rachel explaining that to someone at the end, but again - I refuse to check for sure.
Jon: I think it was just some random, unrelated shit or Rachel set it up to add tension. Or it’s just something they were going to develop and forgot. What’s up with the sideburns?
Sandy: Which sideburns? Are you talking about the dude who liked mustard popcorn? Or the blatant sexual harassment asshole? Did they have Amish farmer sideburns? Is it Amishist for me to say it like that? To be clear, I have nothing against the Amish or their sideburns. Were sideburns a big thing in 2004 or 2006 or whenever the fuck this was supposed to be taking place?
Jon: All the sideburns. Every guy in that movie had ridiculous sideburns. I think sideburns like that are cyclical. Every couple of generations need the reminder that for most of us, it’s not a good look. What kind of asshole flushes weed down a toilet?
Sandy: A monumental one. I like to think he kept it for himself though & just put up that sign to fuck with them. Is offering to lick tequila off a girl’s body a good birthday gift for her?
Jon: It’s the perfect gift for the girl who has everything. Who leaves a plastic fork on the floor of a bathroom?
Sandy: Maybe it’s code for someone who’s looking for a good time. I’ll tell you what… they won’t find it in this fucking movie. How much of this movie was awkward silence? Like, measured in minutes?
Jon: 56 minutes and 13 seconds. Do you keep a Polaroid of someone’s red ass on you at all times?
Sandy: No, but perhaps I should start. These people (aside from Rachel) are supposed to be teenagers??? Is that correct?? Wendy looks 12 and everyone else looks 32-45.
Jon: I think they’re supposed to be post-high school to early 20s but who the fuck can tell. Would you smoke a straw wrapper tea joint?
Sandy: Tea is for drinking, you turd. Who hangs out after work AT THEIR JOB with their coworkers and smokes TEA BAGS?? WHO DOES THAT, JON?
Jon: You didn’t???? You missed out man. Did that security guy go down too easily?
Sandy: THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID. Ahhhhahahahahaha. Seriously though, maybe he was already feeling faint from low blood sugar? Do roller rinks typically have a security guard like that? I legitimately have no idea.
Jon: I don't think so. I think the ones that do have a better one than that though. Would you raid another woman’s purse?
Sandy: Is she dead? Or is it the apocalypse? Does she have candy in it? There are many questions I need answered before I can give a truly accurate response. Was that the FAKEST phone cord twirling you’ve ever seen in your life?
Jon: Hmmm I had never assessed that but on the fly I think it’s probably 3rd behind my high school girlfriend and the lady at the grocery store. What is up with that dude and mustard?
Sandy: I don’t know, but that shit sounds disgusting. Also, he made popcorn for himself after they’d cleaned up for the night WHILE STANDING IN HIS COWORKER’S BLOOD POOL, WITH THE MURDER WEAPON LAYING ON THE GROUND IN THE POOL OF BLOOD…??!! “Sorry Wendy”… sincere?
Jon: Very sincere perhaps the most sincere ever. Why do people insist on flushing stupid stuff down toilets?
Sandy: It’s very satisfying to watch things disappear into a hole. AAANNNNNDDDD A DOUBLE THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID, OHHHHHHH!!! Was that blood made from Kool-Aid?
Jon: I think they used 100% authentic Kool-Aid Man blood. Is this the dumbest group of people ever assembled?
Sandy: Yes. Besides maybe in recent years The Republican National Convention… OHH!!! Hahaha, brilliant! Did you get the feeling that this movie was only made because someone saw pay-phones for the first time while visiting a roller rink, likely also for the first time, and that they thought “someone should make a movie about this” and then they did but didn’t actually have a plot for the movie beyond that initial thought?
Jon: Absolutely though there was a plot. Angry Rachel murders undeserving staff to avenge something that happened before they were born. Why do they hate Alicia so much?
Sandy: I don’t know, she seems like the only one who isn’t a total useless douche. Do you also think that when they saw the pay-phones at the roller rink, they were like “I’ve heard tales told of these things, from the long ago days of 2004. That’s the era in which my film shall be taking place.”
Jon: I tend to believe that the only place in the world where you can consistently find a pay phone is in the lost-in-time world of roller rinks. Did Dailey cover the wrong part of the phone when he was talking?
Sandy: I totally wasn’t paying attention and I absolutely will not re-watch the scene to figure it out. I’ll just go ahead and say yes based on how fucking lame and idiotic everyone there was. How did this movie get a 2 1/2 star rating on Vudu? (To clarify, I think that’s too high).
Jon: Out of 3? Then maybe. I actually enjoyed this disaster of a movie. What do you do when you catch people banging at your job?
Sandy: I haven’t caught anyone doing that but if I ever did I would tell them they’d better clean that shit up themselves. Or maybe I’d film it like a creep and sell it online somewhere. Or both. Speaking of which, fucking while wearing roller skates and standing upright, good idea or comical story for the emergency room nurses to relay later to their friends?
Jon: Comical story for the ER nurses and probably a broken ankle and sprained dick as well. Do you think the roller rink would make more money if the employees didn’t smoke the tea and drink the beer after hours?
Sandy: I think this particular roller rink would make more money if they fired everyone and just put a stuffed dog behind the counter.
Jon: Actually I hate the entire soundtrack.
Sandy: Oh yeah. It’s all incredibly shitty. It seemed like they were trying to use classic horror movie background score sounds, but the timing was completely off and it made no sense because NOTHING WAS HAPPENING. They’d have suspense building notes tooting in the background and then they’d just end, like while Alicia was walking to her car. How many times within your notes do you have “stellar acting” sarcastically written down? I’ve got some variation of it at least 5 separate times.
Jon: Sarcastically? Zero. This was Academy Award worthy stuff. Should a movie that’s under one hour and twenty minutes take this long for anything to happen?
Sandy: OH MY GOD, this shit is like an hour and fifteen minutes too long. If you only have a few weeks left to live and you want to drag them out to make them feel longer, just play this movie on repeat and it’ll feel like decades. Did you keep pausing the movie to see how much time was left and then declaring out loud “WE’RE ONLY 45 SECONDS IN TO THIS????” OR “THERE’S STILL AN HOUR AND TWENTY MINUTES LEFT???”, or was it just me?
Jon: I do that all the time with everything. If there’s a clock or timer of any sort, I check that shit obsessively. Why did Rachel suddenly decide to be the authority figure?
Sandy: Maybe everyone lost their scripts and told her to wing it and she mistakenly started acting like a manager might actually behave in real life? Or maybe she wanted to throw everyone off of her trail? What were your initial thoughts when Rachel seemed receptive to sexual harassment dude’s advances?
Jon: I was proud of him. He shot his shot and it almost worked. Does anyone actually work here?
Sandy: Obviously the roller rink closed hours ago and everyone was just hanging out for hours and hours and hours eating merchandise and sexually harassing each other. You know, just some good old work family fun. Like a morale building exercise. Jeez, Jon, get with the times. Oh wait! At some point I think someone sprayed sanitizer into the roller skates. But then maybe used them afterwards? I don’t know, my brain tried really hard to protect me by immediately discarding almost everything I had just seen the minute this movie ended. Were you as confused as I was by the vacuuming sounds that played while sexual harassment dude was adjusting those wall bumper or whatever the fuck they were? At first I totally thought it was some kind of huge vacuum tube that he’d just have to sweep debris towards to get it all sucked off the rink, but then they showed Wendy (?) vacuuming in the office and I suddenly remembered there was no rhyme or reason or point to anything that happens in this movie.
Jon: HAHAHAHHAAH You said "sucked off." Should these two girls just fight and get it over with?
Sandy: Yes, but only if it’s a fight to the absolute death.
Jon: If you need jumper cables, can you afford to be picky about where they come from?
Sandy: I guess if you’re a catty little twat it’s more about how much dumbass teenage pride it’ll cost?
Jon: Is there any way he would have been able to kill Alicia that way?
Sandy: That was THE WORST movie death I’ve ever seen. The cord wasn’t tight at all and she made no sound and didn’t try to fight back and it took for-fucking-ever. Also, it wasn’t a “he” that killed her, you sexist fuck. There’s no way any of these people are professional actors, right? Who would look at this script and say “yeah, looks good. I’m in.”????
Jon: Michael Caine probably would have. When he takes a paycheck movie, it’s usually terrible. I’m looking at you, Jaws 4. Dead Echo… echo… echo… echo…?
Sandy: Please explain. My brain has blocked this reference out too.
Jon: Shit I was hoping you remembered because I don’t either. Do you stand on the sink to clean your mirrors?
Sandy: I actually have done this when I worked at that tattoo shop in the Bronx. The back mirrors went super high up and there was a countertop with a sink that stopped me from being able to safely clean them with a ladder, so I had to stand on the countertop to reach them. But normally, no. Did Alicia think they wouldn’t know exactly who had written on the bathroom mirror after the rink had been closed and people had been in the bathroom to see there was no writing before she returned for her purse?
Jon: I don’t think she gave two shits, she just wanted to fight by then. Where’s Cara as we stand in a pool of her blood?
Sandy: HOW COULD THEY HAVE NOT SMELLED THAT MUCH BLOOD??? AND WHY WOULDN’T THEY HAVE SEEN IT AND STARTED CLEANING IT SIMPLY BECAUSE IT WAS A MESS AND THEY WORKED THERE??? WHAT THE FUCK IS EVEN HAPPENING IN THIS MOVIE??
Jon: That’s what happens when you get drunk on roller rink beers and high on tea joints. Both are known to cause obliviousness. Periods don’t make you vanish?????
Sandy: Unfortunately, we remain quite visible and amongst the masses while on our periods. That was probably the only line in the movie that I actually really enjoyed.
Jon: Does French walk like an old man or a yeti?
Sandy: I started laughing so hard when he ran away. That was the best part of the whole movie.
Jon: Did Wendy say "regardness?"
Sandy: HA! I didn’t catch that, but once again I’m going to say yes based solely on the fact that EVERY character in this movie was a fucking waste of air. When mustard dude was “choking” Rachel with that chain, or possibly fitting her for a stylish new necklace, did you get major Jaws 4 vibes from her wild screaming? Like, people getting choked don’t banshee scream because they physically can’t, and sharks don’t make noises like Godzilla when they get stabbed by a boat?
Jon: HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT SANDY? How many sharks have you stabbed? How quickly did you figure out Rachel was the killer?
Sandy: I actually don’t think I really thought about it until four hours in to the movie. Like somewhere around the 81st hour in I started to think something was wonky. Maybe the 275th hour? Am I still watching it? LONGEST. MOVIE. EVER. She worked there for three years and then tried to shut the place down one random night by murdering everyone else who worked there all because she once babysat for a kid that died there by accident?
Jon: That’s how you do it. Get a job, work hard, get promoted, work more, kill staff. How can we nominate this for best screenplay?
Sandy: Jon, did you film this movie yourself over the summer and load it onto Vudu just to make me suffer through watching it after my tragically predictable skating accident?
Jon: I had planned to make you watch it while you were recuperating from your comedically predictable skating accident but the pandemic slowed production. Does everyone just die really easily in this movie?
Sandy: Yeah, it’s like they know they have no purpose and just give up before the killer even really tries to hurt them. I’m pretty sure Alicia took a step closer to the killer and presented her neck when they picked up the phone receiver after that incredibly long awkward silence and I’m pretty sure sexual harassment douchebag’s head must have been made out of eggshells to break like that with a rubber cone buffer and that weak-ass “stomp.” I think Rachel is the only one who doesn’t abide by the code of dying easily because they wanted to leave it open for a sequel BUT IF THERE IS A SEQUEL I SWEAR I’LL SHIT ON EVERYONE’S LAWN. Not just people involved in the movie. So… serious question here; was this someone’s final project for their high school film class? Because if so, valiant effort. If not… I’d like to get an order of protection for my eyes against everyone involved in making this happen so I never have to see anything they do ever again.
Jon: If there’s ever a sequel we’re watching it. While Death Rink is deeply flawed there’s some goofy escapist fun to be had and I am all for it.
Lessons
Don’t smoke tea. Tea is for drinking.
Also don’t smoke catnip, oregano or anything else that looks vaguely like marijuana.
When it’s time to go home from work, go home. If you and your co-workers are friends go to a bar or a diner or a park or anywhere but the hell hole that is your job.
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