Aviation History Month!!

 November is Aviation History Month.  I know it feels like we just did an aviation themed movie but there are so many wonderful airplane centered films that we need to watch.  So to celebrate, we watched Flight 7500. Flight 7500 is (very loosely) inspired by the true story of Helios Airways Flight 522 so if you know that story, you know where this movie is going.  If not, settle in for the twists and turns of a flight that may or may not be haunted and celebrate the history of flight.

Questions

Jon:  Should you ever get married after 3 months?

Sandy:  Maybe if one of you has a definitively terminal illness and will absolutely die within another 3 months. Do I need to change the settings on my TV, or was this movie dark as fuck?

Jon:  You might need to change your settings but this was also a very dimly-lit movie.  I think it was intentionally lit that way to add tension.  Did she say mine the fort instead of man the fort?

Sandy:  Ha! I don’t think I caught that one, but I am sincerely hoping it was the former. I feel like we just watched something where this same blond actress played a flight attendant… am I delirious?

Jon:  Nope she just looks like someone from Flight of the Living Dead.  Does anyone say cattle class?

Sandy:  Being an airplane virgin, I’m not hip to the lingo of the skies. Is this going to be the trip of a lifetime, Jon?

Jon:  It’s going to be the final trip of a lifetime for sure.  Does this lady have too many rules to fly?

Sandy:  This lady has too many rules to breathe. Why would anyone marry her??? Are you allowed to eat Chinese food takeout on a plane???

Jon:  I’m not sure about whether you’re allowed to eat Chinese food on a plane but you probably shouldn’t for a couple reasons.  For one, it tends to be pungent and that’s inconsiderate of your fellow passengers.  Also, that’s a long flight and Chinese food can run right through you.  I cannot think of many poop situations worse than an airplane.  Could you spend 3 weeks with someone you were planning to divorce?

Sandy:  I think I for real lived together with my first ex for 2 or 3 months after we broke up. BUT, I doubt that’s something a functional person would do, so…. Weeeeee! Are fat people with babies worse than thin people with babies?

Jon:  People with babies on planes suck in general.  Fat, skinny or any other body type mainly because babies are so fucking loud.  How badly do you want those boots?  I want them but they don’t come in my size.

Sandy:  I actually already own TWO pairs of pots like those. One pair is fluorescent yellow and the other is neon pink. It’s very difficult to cross your legs comfortably while wearing them. How many actresses did you recognize from other things you’ve seen? I counted at least 3.

Jon:  At least 4 of them.  Two of them were in Rob Zombie’s Halloween II (Scout Taylor-Compton and Nicky Whelan).  How uncomfortable is it when you hear a guy on your flight talking about gouging eyeballs out?

Sandy:  I have had many an eye-gouging centered conversation myself, so I’d probably just eavesdrop and pop in with my own fantastical anecdotes. But I imagine it might be quite uncomfortable for the neurotypicals. Does the soundtrack ever leave any real hope for the potential outcome of the movie?

Jon:  None whatsoever especially after the opening scene seems to be a massive hint about the end.  Would you eat jalapeno chips before a trans-Pacific flight?  

Sandy:  I wouldn’t eat jalapeño chips unless I was already sitting on my toilet ready to shit. Do you remember the story about my ex and our 25-hour straight drive to Texas for that film festival? He ate an obscene amount of Subway sandwich shop jalapeños right when we crossed into the next time zone and I ended up having to repeatedly pull over on the highway so he could literally shit his way through the entire state of Kentucky or wherever the fuck we were. Piles of explosive fire shits and bits of my emergency car toilet paper coated that highway like a fucking slip n’ slide. Would you put your face directly in front of someone’s gaping blood-spewing mouth hole?

Jon:  Only if I were an EMT trying to save him and even then it’s up in the air.  Is every guy on this flight shady?

Sandy:  That’s the exact question every woman asks herself every day, multiple times per day, whenever she has to go someplace where men end up also being. The answer is yes. Every time, in every scenario. Every guy on the flight, every guy at the supermarket. Ya’ll are a bunch of total creeps. Fuck you, Jon. Is there supposed to be a standard place for dead bodies on a plane?

Jon:  I would imagine so but I doubt that place is in the first class section of the plane.  How hard would you punch the woman showing you her wedding pictures for a whole flight?

Sandy:  I would take whatever device she was using to show them to me and throw it full force across the cabin. Then I would kick her straight in the twat. Orrrrr, maybe I’d start one of those eye gouging conversations and see how long it took her to never speak to me again. What would you do to make her stop showing you her fucking stupid cocksucking wedding pictures?

Jon:  I would politely explain that no one gives a shit about her stupid fucking wedding and to stick the pictures up her puckered brown eye.  Then I’d puke on her.  How unsettling is it when you hear a page for a medical professional in a place where that shouldn’t happen?

Sandy:  No sir, I don’t like it. Didn’t seem like anyone was jumping up to help for a little bit. When that guy finally got up and said he was an EMT, I was like “WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T YOU GET UP RIGHT WHEN SHE FIRST ASKED???” Is there any plane-themed movie we could watch that might actually make me WANT to get on a flight at some point? 

Jon:  Nope.  I think every plane movie involves some kind of crash or other nightmare scenario.  Assma not asthma?

Sandy:  I like to say Ass-mar. Why would they show that episode of The Twilight Zone on a fucking plane??

Jon:  It’s a very curious in-flight viewing choice.  Might as well watch the Airport movies next.  Would you give that guy mouth to mouth?

Sandy:  Haha, I asked a similar question earlier. That’s a big old no for me. Seriously, did they film it in pitch black to save money on special effects?

Jon:  The effects budget has to have been pretty small anyway.  If a guy dies on your flight, do you cancel your trip?

Sandy:  If I’m already on the plane to my destination, no fucking way. It’s already booked. What can I do about this dead guy by cancelling my fun trip? Nothing. Did you start getting the same major Scooby-Doo vibes I was getting from the passengers on this flight?

Jon:  Like they were going to pull a mask off the dead guy and found the real villain was the co-pilot all along?  No.  Can death not be a part of your life?

Sandy:  No. Even if you magically discovered the secret to immortality for yourself, other people and animals and plants and suns and so on and so forth would eventually be dying around you. There’s no escaping it. Weaponized cancer spray?

Jon:  Might as well.  If someone figured out a way to weaponize cancer, we’d probably use it.  Why does the dead guy need his seatbelt on?

Sandy:  So he doesn’t flop out of the seat and roll down the aisle where he might then topple down the stairs into the lower part of the plane. Why was his wrist gooey already when that dude stole his watch?

Jon:  Maybe from the lack of oxygen or just so it looked gross.  Why would you bring a pregnancy test onto a plane?

Sandy:  Free first class upgrade? How many times is this bitch going to get knocked out in the fucking bathroom??? And with her boot sticking out into the hall? Do you think that was recycled footage?

Jon:  Nope I think it only happened once because she died the first time.  How much shit would be in your pants if a plane you were on lost cabin pressure?

Sandy:  All of the shit, Jon. Like, my shit and your shit and anyone else’s shit who was in my vicinity. I’d be taking other peoples’ shit and stuffing it into my own pants from terrified delirium. Why didn’t they check the cargo hold immediately after being unable to locate a passenger??

Jon:  I think it’s really difficult to get into the cargo hold as a passenger so it’s really low on the list of places to check.  How much do you pray that you don’t ever need emergency medical care while you’re on the toilet?

Sandy:  You don’t want to go out like The King? I just hope if I do need that medical care, it’s after I’ve sprayed my butthole with my bidet and flushed. If that flight attendant had been fatter she wouldn’t have gotten sucked into the overhead compartment. Why didn’t anyone try to fucking save her after she got sucked in???

Jon:  If I’ve learned anything from watching airplane disaster movies, once she’s sucked that far out there’s no saving her.  Where is the air marshall?

Sandy:  Maybe they’re trapped in that doll. What do you think an air Marshall would have been able to do about that situation?

Jon:  Shoot the plane.  Calm the passengers.  Reign in the irresponsible passenger led investigation.  Why did no one hear that dude scream?

Sandy:  No one hears anybody scream on that flight, apparently. How much fucking money do you think we could make if we invented something that enabled people to turn their own volume down so they could scream at full force whenever they wanted and it wouldn’t disturb anyone else? As I was typing that question, I also realized that it could be used for nefarious purposes AND that if we did invent it we should make it available for free because being alive is a fucking almost constantly scream worthy event.

Jon:  The world would be an even more annoying place if we did that.  All those screams you contain because of where you are would now be low volume screams all day.  That’s a hard pass from me.  Why can no one hear screams on this plane?

Sandy:  Ha! Soundproof air? 

Jon:  The dead guy worked at Overlook something.  Get the reference?

Sandy:  You are talking to a Stephen King fanatic, fucker. Do you think they hired a hand model for the role of haunting spirit? How many times did hands just reach out from somewhere?

Jon:  Those were amateur hand model hands at best.  I would have done it for less and I have top level hands.  Could they have found anything creepier in his luggage?

Sandy:  Maybe like a plastic baggy of other peoples’ foreskins? Why did no one seemed concerned about how that doll was moving???

Jon:  The moving doll was the least of their worries by then.  What a twist?

Sandy:  In my notes I have written “THAT’S THE ENDING????” That shit was so dumb. I know someone was trying to be super clever, but it just seemed muddy to me. Had they slipped into another dimension? Were they trapped in some kind of purgatory? Did the doll cause it? Was it a storm? What the fuck was going on? What was your interpretation of what happened at the end of this movie?

Jon:  They were all dead from the first time they lost cabin pressure.  The goth chick was talking about accepting death and the release but the rest of the passengers had not accepted that they had died so they continued on until they were forced to realize they were dead.  I actually really liked that twist.

 

Lessons

1. Don’t force wedding photos on people.  No one wants to see hundreds of photos of people they don’t know.

2. Don’t steal from corpses.