August 30th is National Beach Day. For you sun worshippers, it could be your last trip of the summer. A final opportunity to bask in the sun, frolic in the ocean and build a sand castle. For me, the beach means days if not weeks of getting the sand off me, avoiding the water because it’s a fish toilet and gallons of sunscreen to avoid looking like a firetruck. Instead of the beach, we celebrated with the classic Humanoids From the Deep. So even if you’re at the beach, watch Humanoids From the Deep and enjoy the blog.
Trailer
Humanoids from the Deep (1980) ORIGINAL TRAILER [HD 1080p]
Questions
JON: Does Tara Dawn and Nip N Tuck sound like the appointment calendar at a plastic surgeon’s office?
SANDY: Haha, yes. I was thinking the exact same thing when I first saw the boat names. Did you catch the painted on fake wood paneling on that Jeep or whatever it was? Was wood paneling on a car ever stylish enough for replicating with a fancy paint job? Why is it starting to grow on me?
JON: I don’t know if wood paneling was really stylish but it was popular. We had a station wagon with wood poaneling. Maybe you should paint paneling on your car. Is there a more outdoorsmen shirt than the red and black flannel?
SANDY: Maybe one that’s got fake chest and back hair puffing out all over the place like the fucking BAG OF YOUR OWN PUBES YOU GAVE ME FOR MY BIRTHDAY ONE YEAR? The red and black flannel is a classic for sure though. Did the one-legged seagull make you sad? Would you give a seagull a peg-leg?
JON: The sea gull didn’t seem to mind so neither did I. He also didn’t seem to need a peg leg. He’s a bird. He barely needs legs anyway. If you yell at your kid in a horror movie, are you definitely dead?
SANDY: No. Mrs. Brody yelled at her kid to get out of the boat in Jaws and she didn’t die. Though she did it out of concern for her son’s safety, whereas this guy was being a bossy douche to his son. Did you find the music to be very similar to the music in Jaws? I don’t mean the classic “Jaws sound”, but the background tunes?
JON: I noticed. So many sea monster movies had Jaws-esque scores for decades after Jaws. Does spilled gas always end up in a fire?
SANDY: Are you asking if spilled gas always ends up on fire, or if spilled gas always gravitates towards an existing fire? That shit escalated so quickly. Did you like how that other dude stopped the dad from jumping into the water to go after his son, confidently exclaiming there was nothing he could do for him even though he actually had no idea what the fuck was going on?
JON: He was right. Once that kid was in the water it was over for him. At least, he didn’t explode with the boat. Aside from the flare, were there gunshots on the boat that exploded? Why does Jim think there were?
SANDY: I don’t think so? Maybe he was confused by all of the exploding. In my notes I have “don’t hurt the dog”, “they hurt the fucking dog”, and then “ALL THE DOGS????” Why ALL of the dogs, Jon? WHYYYYY???
JON: I think because the dogs were barking at them which ruined the element of surprise. Does Peggy have the filthiest dishes ever?
SANDY: I don’t know if they’re the filthiest dishes ever, but there were definitely a lot of them. Out of all the possible weapons in a kitchen, would the tuning fork be your first pick?
JON: It’s better than a spoon. All her knives were probably caked in mold like that plate in her sink. If Tom and Linda are going to be there any minute shouldn’t Peggy be wearing clothing?
SANDY: Haha, what the fuck was with that?? When she was on the phone with Linda saying she was all ready and that Linda could come over, I wondered if they were planning to film a porn together. Does Peggy know how to wear a robe properly? Trick question. The answer is no, no she does not.
JON: Define properly. If you mean covering herself up with it then no. Happiest band ever? Gathering in general?
SANDY: Well, who wouldn’t want to go hear some old fuck talk about putting in a huge fish canning factory in their town and then have pie or whatever the fuck was in there, followed with a huge fistfight motivated by a greedy racist pig? Did you want to murder everything that exists when that dumb old fuck referred to Dr. Drake as “a great little scientist”? Because I still do, and I watched it days ago.
JON: It was pretty dismissive. Could a cannery be the best thing to happen to a town?
SANDY: No. Not in any scenario I could ever imagine. If you were old and rich, what would the business that got you there have been?
JON: Erotic Chocolate Shop and Merkin Distributor. What could possibly go wrong with genetically altered salmon?
SANDY: I’m not sure I have the kind of time or energy needed to type out the full list of possibilities I have running through my head right now. Obviously, rapist humanoid sea creatures for one thing. They could grow teeth and become carnivorous like piranha, or become intelligent and aggressive and start hunting people, or get really lazy and stop swimming upstream to breed and die out as a species.... What would happen in a movie you made about genetically altered salmon?
JON: It would look a lot like Humanoids From the Deep but with less rape and more chocolate dicks. Would you ever go to an event like this?
SANDY: Maybe to protest. If I lived in the town I wouldn’t want the cannery there and I’d probably want to go to shit like that to discourage people from being lured in by the false promises of a man who just wants more and more money and doesn’t actually give a shit about the town itself or the people in it.
JON: Did Johnny showing up with his dead dog the highlight of this event?
SANDY: STOP KILLING THE FUCKING DOGS!! Also, doesn’t it seem a bit excessive to drag Johnny out by his fucking neck? Is there anything that screams “I have a tiny useless dick” more than having your goonies hold someone still so you can beat the snot out of them?
JON: Huge pickups, expensive sports cars, waving your tiny, useless dick around to name a few. Was Jerry getting punched the best part of the event?
SANDY: It was oddly satisfying, but I think my favorite parts were the shots when Dr Drake was dancing with that shorter dude and looking SUPER uninterested and bored about it.
JON: Are Jerry and Peggy so blinded by lust that it will get them killed?
SANDY: Yes. That is definitely a guarantee in horror films. Fucking means you die. Do you think that concept in horror movies originated as a mockery of puritanism, or as a puritanical warning against sexual desire?
JON: I think it started as a reaction to the sexuality of the 60’s and reflected the rise of the moral majority in the U.S. Is the head the best part?
SANDY: If you’re referring to what Jerry’s head looked like after being attacked by that sea creature, then yes. Since that one sea creature raped & impregnated Peggy and the doctor said it was because they were driven to mate with humans now for some dumbfuck reason, I’m wondering if ALL the sea creatures were male somehow? Do you have a theory about that?
JON: They had frog DNA too so maybe they’re like that species of frog that can spontaneously change gender or maybe the genetic modifications only affected the males. Ventriloquists get laid?
SANDY: Nothing is sexier than a ventriloquist’s dummy. Can you speak without moving your lips?
JON: Sure but you won’t be able to understand the words. Does everyone in this town wear motor oil hats?
SANDY: I totally didn’t notice that!
JON: Fuck Slattery?
SANDY: No one should ever fuck Slattery. What a grimy piece of shit. Johnny saving him at the carnival makes Johnny an admirable person, which I’m glad they did for his character, but I’m not sure I would do the same in real life for someone I knew had killed my dog. How much did that scene on the broken dock with Slattery remind you of the scene from Jaws when Quint is on his sinking ship and gets eaten by the shark?
JON: I hadn’t thought of it until now but it was very similar. It goes back to that sea monster movies post-Jaws score thing. Does everything in this town explode?
SANDY: Literally everything. Dropped your pen? TAKE COVER! Maybe that Molotov cocktail was stuffed with flammable liquid AND dynamite? Or maybe the cabin was insulated with dynamite? Maybe there was a dynamite factory in town once and it bribed everyone to allow it’s opening by building everything for free, with the catch that it had to be made out of dynamite. But it closed down eventually because it couldn’t turn a profit after spending so much time building everything in the town out of its product. I’m not even stoned right now. Who was your favorite character in the movie?
JON: Johnny by a lot. How much more does Dr. Drake know than she is letting on?
SANDY: Early on, quite a bit more. I do think she ended up being pretty honest about things in the end though. I definitely believe that she likely tried to report the escaped altered salmon immediately and was stopped by someone who didn’t want the project shut down for financial reasons. BUT, she should have reported that shit anyway. Do you think Slattery would still support the cannery after they caused all of this shit?
JON: Actually no. I think Slattery was struggling and saw the cannery as his savior and anyone who opposed it was hurting him financially but I think he would have opposed it after the sea monsters. Isn’t a carnival loud enough without a marching band?
SANDY: You would think so.
JON: Are you Miss Salmon?
SANDY: Yes. This movie came out the year before I was born, but that’s me. Someone actually figured out what my spirit animal was once, based on my birthdate and year or something & know what? It was a salmon. What’s your spirit animal, Jon??
JON: Danny Trejo is my spirit animal. How did the sea creatures know when the festival was?
SANDY: That dang marching band. Imagine if all they wanted was some popcorn but didn’t understand how to go about getting it and killed all of those people out of the frustration of not being understood and thusly unable to get their popcorn? What is a food that you like enough to murder a town full of people for?
JON: Pizza, sushi, burgers. Shit just about anything really. Why didn’t Jim get his wife and child to safety before the festival?
SANDY: Listen, Jim is a busy man. He can’t think of everything.
JON: How far away would you move?
SANDY: Where was this supposed to have been taking place? I don’t remember a specific town name. I’d want to continue living by the ocean, but certainly not close enough for those fucking things to come after me. Maybe I’d want to head for the mountains after that experience though. A house on a hill surrounded by spiky walls and what else kills salmon... maybe a lot of sushi chefs? Why did Peggy’s eyes turn white after that baby creature broke through her stomach like in Alien? Also, why would they allow that shit to happen and not have immediately aborted and removed that fucking thing to save Peggy’s life and really, the future of humanity?
Jon: This was 1980. They weren’t going to go to an abortion subplot. I also think they knew what would happen if the baby was born but some evil corporation really wanted to see the result. As for the eyes and the Alien style chest bursting, I’m sure the science was sound.
Lessons
Fill the gas in the winch when you get on the boat. You can’t have a child rushing to fill the gas when you need the machinery to operate 5 minutes ago.
Don’t have sex on beaches. Sand covered genitalia are the least of your worries. There could be a genetically mutated salmon, frog, man creature stalking you.
When you’re off being a hero, don’t forget your family. There’s no point in saving the town if your family gets killed by sea monsters while you’re busy. Get them to safety then play hero.
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