The 2nd Saturday in August is National Bowling Day. Bowling can be a fun game even when you suck at it. I know this because I suck at bowling. My strategy is to grab the lightest ball my fingers will fit in and throw it as hard as I can. I have no finesse, control or ability to spin the ball, just brute force. Maybe the pins will get knocked over, maybe they won’t. Maybe I’ll roll a gutterball or the ball will be going so fast that it jumps out of the gutter. Maybe it’ll wind up in a different lane or I’ll wind up on my ass. Instead, we’ll celebrate National Bowling Day with Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-A-Rama.
Trailer
Sorority Babes In The Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama - Official Trailer - FULL MOVIE FREE on TubiTV
Questions
JON: Does Jimmie look like a guy who shares beer often?
SANDY: Jimmie doesn’t look or act like a guy who shares anything often. How many cans of beer could you drink on your own in one evening in your college age days?
JON: A lot but really never good beer because we couldn’t afford it. A case of Busch or Milwaukee’s Best is like the equivalent to maybe 2 really good beers. Sorority or not?
SANDY: Part of the draw towards attending Bard for me was that there were no sororities or fraternities. It might be a good experience for a lot of people, but there’s something about the whole idea that just seems a little creepy to me. Like cults and organized religion. Were you in or would you ever join a fraternity?
JON: It wasn’t an option the 1st time I went to college and by the time I went back I didn’t have any interest. How would you feel about Babs paddling you?
SANDY: Well, back in my crazy hoe days I consented to having a dude smack the shit (not literally) out of my ass with a paddle and I’m okay with that never happening again. Should I buy Alison a paddle for Christmas this year?
JON: As long as it has those studs on it. Do you love Calvin as much as I do?
SANDY: I absolutely love Calvin. He’s such an adorable dork. I definitely would have wanted to stay with him at the house watching that movie, though I might have suggested we sit more than 30 centimeters away from the tv screen. Could you tell what movie he was watching? I don’t have the answer, by the way, I wasn’t paying close enough attention to that detail, but I am curious.
JON: Creepozoids which was directed by the same guy and will almost definitely show up in the blog someday. Does a bra full of worms sound remotely erotic?
SANDY: Not to me, but I’m sure it could be someone’s kink. How about a jock strap/cup full of slugs and riding on a see-saw?
JON: On a see-saw??? You lost me there. SLugs in a jock strap maybe. Could they maybe be a little more inconspicuous?
SANDY: Where the fuck was everyone else in that town? I feel like a cop would have seen them just driving by and been like “I will follow youuuuuu, follow you wherever youuuuuu may goooooooo.... there isn’t an ocean too deeeeeep, a mountain so high it could keeeeep, keep me awayyyyy.” Have you ever “broken into” a place you weren’t supposed to be? If so, details please.
JON: I have entered places that I shouldn’t have been but I didn’t break in. Well once. I broke into the vacant apartment above the one I lived in to use the bathroom because my toilet was broken. Calvin is drunk on one beer isn’t he?
SANDY: Calvin puked almost as much from one beer as I did from 14 shots of maple whiskey. Remember when I drank all of that maple whiskey and sat on your couch barfing into plastic bags all night long because I didn’t think I could walk 12 feet to the bathroom? And how I left the next morning, taking multiple bags of my own vomit with me because I “didn’t want Alison to have to throw too many of my vomit bags away”? Despite my drunkenness and possible near alcohol poisoning, I still distinctly remember you sitting at the computer in the living room loudly announcing to Alison on the other side of the house “IT’S STARTING” when I began to puke. Did you get sick from that maple whiskey night? I can’t remember that detail.
JON: No I survived the maple whisky that night but it got me a couple other times. Stealing a bowling trophy is a sorority tradition?
SANDY: I don’t think the trophy stealing was the tradition. It seemed like Babs thought that up at the last minute. I think the control and humiliation of incoming sorority sisters was the traditional part of things. Sounds like so much fun!! (Sarcasm is lost via text, but that was sarcasm.) What would be your top 3 initiation activities if you were in charge of breaking in the new pledges
JON: Nothing demeaning. So maybe something like sitting through B horror movies, answering weird questions about said movies and asking your own questions. So basically this blog is your initiation. Remember when we took turns puking?
SANDY: Wait.... was that maple whiskey night? Or are you referring to that brief period of time where you puked every time I brought a random friend to Friday night dinner?
JON: Both. Your maple whisky night was part of a stretch of about 4 or 5 months where the 4 of us took turns puking. Me outside 2 restaurants and a CVS, you on our couch, someone else in the bird bath and Alison overachieving and actually making it to a toilet, I know this isn’t a question but LINNEA QUIGLEY! I love her.
SANDY: She’s awesome. There was another character in Return of the Living Dead named Spider. Do you think her being referred to as Spider was an homage to that movie and that other character?
JON: It’s possible since she was in that too. This movie has all of the Big 3 ‘80s Scream Queens since Michelle Bauer and Brinke Stevens are in it too. Does Spider have an attitude problem?
SANDY: Spider is definitely recovering from some of her own trauma and is presenting herself as a tough guy who doesn’t care about anything as a means of survival, but she very clearly cares for Calvin pretty quickly. I’m guessing not many people ever treated her with respect or took an interest in her as a person before Calvin’s immediate puppy dog love. What was your attitude like in your angst-iest years?
JON: I was a very nihilistic, misanthropic mess. I hated everyone and everything and I was drunk a lot. Spider is going to steal any money that she can huh?
SANDY: She seems pretty desperate for anything she can get. Would a bowling alley be your first choice if you were going to rob a place for cash?
JON: If the bowling alley was as poorly secured as this one, then absolutely. Bowling alleys probably have a lot of cash on site. Are bowling trophies supposed to smoke when they break?
SANDY: Maybe if they had been transformed into bongs. Let’s join a bowling league and win the biggest trophy and make it into a bong.
JON: With my bowling skills, we’d be lucky if we didn’t get kicked out of the league. Maybe we could join a kids’ league with bumpers. Would you make a wish with Uncle Impie?
SANDY: Like Calvin, I have read and seen enough stories/movies of the horror variety to know better than that. If you were stupid enough to take an imp up on his offer of one wish, what would you wish for?
JON: I would wish for the imp to go back into his bowling trophy and leave me alone. Does a bowling trophy seem like the proper place to trap Uncle Impie?
SANDY: It’s definitely an odd choice. And it’s extra odd that whoever trapped it in that trophy kept it out on an open shelf. If I had managed to trap that thing inside of something, I would put the first container in another super tight small ass container and put THAT container in another super tight container and so on for a while. Each time, crazy gluing the container shut followed by unbreakable epoxy to hold each container shut within the next container. Maybe gluing each container within the other to make it really impossible to separate them. Do you think it would have been possible to kill Uncle Impie, or is he something that can’t die?
JON: I don’t think Impie can die permanently. You might be able to take him down briefly butI suspect he has some ability to re-animate. Should you use your one wish to get laid once? How does that work anyway? I doubt sex with Keith was her wish.
SANDY: Yeah, I don’t know. That was some fucked up shit. She didn’t get her own wish and then she died. Not cool. And no, using your wish to get laid once is some dumb-fuck thirsty GUY bullshit. No woman would ever wish for that. Unless it was her dying wish maybe. I thought glasses in movies meant you were supposed to be smart??? What was up with Keith?
JON: I think Keith’s glasses were fake. No lens or maybe readers. Keith was preoccupied with getting laid so maybe they were dick glasses. Michael Sonye, the voice of Uncle Impie, wrote Blood Diner.
SANDY: Really? That’s awesome! I liked Impie’s voice, I thought he was a funny little fucker. I wonder if Sonye suggested the deep fried head scene for Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama, since Blood Diner came out the year before?
JON: I like to think so. Like he got on set and said “Hey, you know what was a really great gag? Deep fried heads. I did it in Blood Diner. You should do it too.” Are these the biggest wastes of wishes ever?
SANDY: These people were making wishes like children. I’m surprised no one wished for a swimming pool full of twizzlers. What’s a dumb thing you’d wish for?
JON: A swimming pool full of Twizzlers but only the red ones. Is Spider the only smart one?
SANDY: Calvin is smart too, but he pukes so much it renders him almost useless in a few situations.
JON: Do prom queens just spin in circles endlessly?
SANDY: What the fuck was with that? Does being prom queen automatically mean you lose all touch with reality and then also revert to being a 2 year old outside in the snow for the first time? What would you do if you were prom queen?
JON: Well I would have a great sense of redemption since I was cheated out of the title at my own prom. Why did the one girl turn into the Bride of Frankenstein?
SANDY: Haha, SALE AT PARTY CITY!! What was that other girl supposed to be and what was with the scene where she was trying to cover her facial boils with makeup? I didn’t think they had enough of their original wherewithal to do things like that without Uncle Impie’s command?
JON: I think they had some control maybe or Uncle Impie was just having some fun with her and makeup. Did they try to block the door with boxes when the door pulls open from the outside?
SANDY: Maybe just to add a pathway blockage and buy themselves every extra second they could get?
JON: A deep fried head!!!!
SANDY: What’s the count up to now? Is it 3, or more than that??
JON: 3 deep fried heads, 2 new park rangers ad 1 symbolic new ranger. Did they think Taffy would stretch like taffy?
SANDY: I’m pretty sure they intended to tear her in half. What a stupid fucking name. Although, if I actually knew someone named Taffy and they weren’t a wretched twat, I’d feel differently. What’s the dumbest or funniest name you’ve ever heard?
JON: I’m a sucker for names that sound dirty because I’m a child. There was a baseball player named Jimmy Gobble and one named R.A. Dickey and I used to love when they played one another and there was a Gobble-Dickey matchup. My least favorite name is Neveah. She Demons- damned if you do, damned if you don’t?
SANDY: Yes.
JON: Why did Babs turn into blond Elvira?
SANDY: I think it’s because she had that sadistic attitude already and that was their version of a dominatrix outfit, though I’m not sure how the other two chicks related to the things they turned into. I loved Spider’s line about it being “too bad they had to kill” Babs because she liked her outfit. What would the demon version of yourself be like?
JON: This is the demon version of me. The non-demon version was replaced in 1984. Is a monster in the backseat the oldest trick in the book?
SANDY: ALWAYS check the back seat. Calvin should have known that.
JON: Are there imp dentists because Uncle Impie needs one?
SANDY: Shoudn’t he be able to fix that shit on his own with his magical impy powers?
JON: You should never be your own dentist even with magic powers. Should Spider call her place the web?
SANDY: NO.
JON: Yes she should. Is that proper imp disposal?
SANDY: Also no. I described my personal Imp storage method of choice above in an earlier question. How would you dispose of an imp if it couldn’t be killed?
Jon: First, he would go in a giant pill bottle with the foil seal and a child proof cap. Then I would wrap the bottle with the stickers they used to put on CD cases. After that I would encase the bottle in cement and drop it in the Mariana Trench. No more Uncle Impie.
Lessons
Watch out for the staples. You never know when the staples in your magazine will give you a good scratch especially if you’re Keith.
Don’t steal bowling trophies’ Even if it’s part of your initiation. There could be an imp inside and you really don’t have anywhere to keep it anyway.
Don’t make wishes with imps. Or genies. Or anything else. Imps always grant a demented version of your wish that will be disastrous for you.
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