August 7th is National Lighthouse Day. The lighthouse has long kept ships safe, warning of danger on the coasts. More recently, lighthouses have become tourist destinations. So you could hop in your car and go visit a lighthouse -- or you could watch the horror, sea creature, romance movie Cold Skin.
Trailer
Questions
JON: Wow what a bummer of an opening quote about always being close to those you hate and never close to the ones you love?
SANDY: Are you talking about the German Nietzsche quote? I looked that shit up and it translated as “He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.” SOOOOOOO, I interpreted the quote as meaning that without holding space in our hearts and minds for others, we become hollow & empty inhuman creatures. Monsters. It’s the kind of attitude governments rely on when spreading propaganda to win approval for war. Convince the people the “enemy” isn’t even human so they don’t care what happens to that “enemy”. Would you have stayed on an island where the person you were replacing had disappeared and there were pointed sticks placed everywhere clearly as a method of protection against some unknown thing?
JON: No TV? No Wifi? Not a chance. Are matches as useless as tits on a bull? Do we know bull tits would be useless?
SANDY: I actually think tits on a bull might be quite useful. More milk for everyone! Just make sure you “milk” the correct protrusion... Have you ever milked a cow in real life? A COW JON, NOT A BULL. Will you come to a farm with me and milk a cow?
JON: After my last farm experience? No. Last time I was at a farm, I got to see a sheep birth which was tolerable but then the mother sheep started eating the placenta and that was enough farm for me. Is that how all lighthouses should be protected?
SANDY: Listen, if you’re going to do a job you might as well go all in on doing it. What do you think Gruner did before he was the lighthouse keeper for that random-ass island?
JON: Gruner was probably something that stifled his ambitions and crushed his dreams so he fled to the relative freedom and isolation of a distant island. The naked dude has seen some shit huh?
SANDY: Something was definitely amiss with that dude for at least the entire time we saw him, but probably well before that too. Like the boat captain said to Friend, he must have been running from something to be willing to hide out on that island for a year or more. How many times within the movie did you think you were looking at Gruner’s dead body?
JON: At least 3 times. Gruner looked dead the whole movie. A job as monotonous as it is insignificant? I think I’ve had some of those.
SANDY: I think the bulk of us have had (and for many, still have) those jobs in our lives. Now the heavy question is, are you referring to the job of keeping the lighthouse, or the nightly “job” of attempting to eradicate all of the sea creatures?
JON: The lighthouse for sure. Gruner said it wasn’t on a shipping route and was built to balance the naval budget. The eradication of the sea creatures was at least meaningful to Gruner. Pounding on the lighthouse door after sea creatures are in your house is pretty rational right?
SANDY: Maybe? I’d be going for safety towards the building made of stone too, especially if it was where the only other human on the island was. I’d be asking that other person WHAT THE FUCK was going on and how they’d survived for so long. What the fuck were they eating while there for an entire year? Potatoes don’t stay good for that long and it didn’t seem like a farming-friendly environment...
JON: Fish? Dead sea creature? Should Friend have stayed on the boat?
SANDY: Yes and no? Yes because he wouldn’t have had to go through all of that insanity, but no because his being there ultimately ended the war between Gruner and the sea creatures, which also freed Aneris. Even though Friend wasn’t a newly transferred park ranger, did you get newly transferred park ranger energy from him and his situation?
JON: Friend is definitely an unofficial 3rd new park ranger. Who would have thought that he’d set the house on fire?
SANDY: Am I correct in thinking he did that on his second night at the island? I get what he was trying to do, but it was pretty ridiculous. Went along with that quote though... he was so afraid of the creatures attacking and destroying his house and killing him that he almost did all of it to himself. Have you ever accidentally set anything on fire? (ACCIDENTALLY, JON.)
JON: Define accidental. Did I accidentally set a fire? No. Did a fire I purposely set accidentally get out of control? Maybe. Sea creatures licking your bloody hand- hot or get the fucking beast off of me?
SANDY: I definitely could be heard throughout the neighborhood loudly expressing my distaste for this scene from inside my living room as I watched it unfold. NO THANK YOU. BUTTTT, looking back at it I think she was doing it to try and help. Like how a dog will lick a wound to relieve the discomfort and try to get it to heal faster. Do you remember when I had a Mohawk with clean shaven sides and you licked the side of my fuzzy head just to do it? ALISON, WHY DID YOU LET HIM DO THAT TO ME, I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY FRIEND???!!!!
JON: Does Gruner waste weapons?
SANDY: Did I see that muthafukka throw a weapon over the edge of the lighthouse lookout platform? Is that what you’re referring to?
JON: Yep. He fired the gun like twice and threw it away. Then he used his hatchet twice and threw it off the lighthouse. OHHHH he’s fucking the sea creature- good idea?
SANDY: Before the scene where we all got to hear the sounds of sea creature fucking, I thought to myself “SOMEONE EITHER IS OR IS GOING TO BE FUCKING THIS SEA CREATURE AT SOME POINT DURING THIS MOVIE.” Have you seen The Shape of Water?
JON: I did. There was less human-sea creature sex in that. Is a love triangle between 2 men and a sea creature trapped in a lighthouse really a good idea?
SANDY: I didn’t get love triangle vibes. I got possessive dehumanizing control vibes from Gruner, and non-sexual scientific curiosity vibes from Friend.
JON: Is the she sea creature in labor every night?
SANDY: I wasn’t sure if Gruner was having her make that call to draw the others out of the sea so he could kill them, or if she had originally been making that call on her own from the isolation of being with Gruner? She wasn’t physically restrained from returning to the sea, but she was still a prisoner. She had a sort of Stockholm Syndrome. And he definitely used her calling the others to draw them out when he had the explosives set up around the lighthouse. So, NO JON, she wasn’t in labor every night.
JON: Why is he fucking the sea creature?
SANDY: Isolation? Domination? Horniness? I don’t know, but the fact that he found her as a baby and kept her like a pet and fucked her anyway is VERY disturbing. When did he start fucking her? Was it while she was still a child? Would he have fucked the family poodle if he’d still been living a regular life? Would you fuck the family poodle Jon?
JON: Fifi is safe from me. Gruner, on the other hand, would probably do it. I don’t think he started banging her immediately. I think he only started the sex when she was older. Do you think they could have lived in peace with the sea creatures?
SANDY: We don’t get to see what their behavior was like before Gruner had kidnapped and abused Aneris, but I’m guessing they would have been appreciative towards him if he had freed her from that net and let her go back to her home. How fucking rad would it be to live on an island with a bunch of sea creature friends?
JON: It would be pretty cool especially if they were all like Sigmund the Friendly Sea Monster. I loved that fucking thing. How can Friend possibly resist the she sea creature’s flirtations?
SANDY: I don’t think she was flirting. Not in a sexual way, at least. I think she was desperate for freedom and connection with another living thing that didn’t treat her like a worthless piece of garbage. I think she was reaching out for help.
JON: Is naming her really a good idea?
SANDY: Yes. Having a name helps humans identify other living things as individuals, potentially worthy of respect and kindness and empathy. It’s much harder to treat “Aneris” like an object than it would be to treat “that sea creature” as one. Back to that Nietzsche quote again... Gruner thought of himself as the superior being, and therefore made himself into the grossest inhuman piece of shit he could have been. Weeeeeee!!!!! What name would you give to a sea creature?
JON: Sigmund. Was vodka the best use for their limited potato supply?
SANDY: I might have waited until they started being less edible as food before I turned them into alcohol, but I also understand the desire for some mind-numbing substances in this environment. Ultimately the answer is no though, Jon. Definitely not the best use of their potato supply. Have you ever attempted to make your own vegetable based alcohol? LET’S MAKE SOME WEIRD ALCOHOL JON. No maple whiskey though.
JON: Oh fuck no on the maple whisky. That shit got us both. I blame the sugar. Yes we should make our own alcohol. WHY IS HE FUCKING THE SEA CREATURE?
SANDY: Men are gross Jon.
JON: I’m a man. I wouldn’t fuck a sea creature. Gruner really is a pathetic man isn’t he?
SANDY: He’s definitely a mentally ill man. I think pathetic is pretty accurate too. He’s allowed himself to get sucked into this fucked up mindset and refuses to see anything that might pull him out of it. Do you think he’d finally realized the error of his ways when he walked outside and allowed the sea creatures to destroy him?
JON: I don’t think he realized his errors. I think he realized the futility of his situation and gave up. Does Gruner lie a lot or does it just seem like he is?
SANDY: Good question, I’m not totally sure. I think he maybe convinced himself of his own lies so he could justify his behavior without viewing himself as the monster that he had become, so in his mind he was telling the truth? Kind of like he-who-shall-not-be-named supporters.
JON: Oh no not Friend too. Why is he fucking the sea creature now?
SANDY: I don’t think he ever fucked Aneris, Jon!!! I think he took a swim with her to show her compassion and acknowledge her value as another living being, not to fuck her. Plus, Gruner was lording over both of them and treating them both like his own personal property, so befriending each other gave them both the strength they needed to break free from Gruner’s insane bullshit.
JON: They definitely got it on in that tidal pool. He stripped and did that slow, sexy swim over to her and Gruner was watching and his eyes told the rest of the story. Would you trust Gruner to keep you safe while you dove?
SANDY: FUCK. NO. Did one of the sea creatures help Friend get out of that fallen death suit?
JON: It certainly appeared that way. Do you try to gently grab snow?
SANDY: Grabbing is too aggressive for snow, even if you do it gently. You need to allow it to fall onto you if you want to see an individual flake. Am I too hungry right now to be responding to questions without sounding Iike I’m floating out in the fucking ether?
JON: You should have fish fillets. Is Gruner crazy or just a piece of shit or both?
SANDY: I think he may have once been a decent man, but something happened to cause him to desire that isolation and spark his descent into madness. Maybe the wife we saw in that photo died in childbirth, or some other tragedy that resulted in a part of his mind breaking. What would it take for you to be done enough with life to move to a totally isolated island? (For me it’s just stepping outside of my house.)
JON: TV and Wifi. WHY ARE THEY BOTH FUCKING THE SEA CREATURE?
SANDY: They aren’t both fucking her, you twat.
JON: They are definitely both fucking her. Is Aneris the only female of the species?
SANDY: Maybe they work similarly to bees? Like with one queen for many others? Or maybe they only send their males out to fight?
JON: Gruner really snapped didn’t he?
SANDY: “Nobody leaves Gruner!” Yeah, nobody except sanity... OHHHHH!!! Boink!
JON: So basically the other sea creatures are coming to rescue Aneris?
SANDY: I think so. I think they’re hella pissed he stole their kid and proceeded to torture and fuck her for who knows how many years. Also, if Gruner was actually the other weather dude Friend was replacing and Friend was only scheduled to stay as his replacement for one year, how fucking long had Gruner been there? Could it have only been a year? I was under the impression that it had been much longer than that.
JON: I think there are 2 separate jobs on the island- lighthouse operator and weather station guy. So Gruner saved Aneris’ life so he could fuck her?
SANDY: I don’t know if that’s WHY he saved her initially, but it’s certainly suspect that he didn’t save her from the net and then immediately release her back into the sea without the abuse. What would you do if you found a juvenile sea creature stuck in a net? IF YOU SAY KEEP IT AND FUCK IT WE CAN’T BE FRIENDS ANYMORE.
JON: I would not fuck it. I would free it from the net and release it back into the wild if it were healthy. If not, it goes to the vet? Marine biologist? Human doctor? Somewhere. Gruner also really has an abandonment issue to go with everything else but do you feel bad for him at all?
SANDY: I can empathize with his descent into madness and whatever might have happened in his life to cause it, but his behavior towards Aneris and Friend was totally unacceptable. That dude needed some SERIOUS psychotherapy. And prison time.
JON: Is there really any other ending for Gruner?
SANDY: I don’t think so. I couldn’t see him returning to any sort of normal life after that fucking shitstorm. Could you IMAGINE him going back to England or wherever the fuck and getting some mental help and maybe years later recalling stories from his life during a luncheon or business dinner? “Speaking of exes, I once rescued and then sexually and physically abused a young humanoid sea creature for an unknown amount of time. She used to lick my bloody wounds to help them heal.” Would you watch a reality show of Gruner’s return to regular life?
JON: Just Gruner released back into society with no therapy would be the greatest reality show ever. A Bachelor type show starring Gruner would be great too. WHY DID THEY FUCK THE SEA CREATURE?
SANDY: GODDAMNIT JON.
JON: Was one of them the father of the baby sea creature?
SANDY: Well, Friend definitely wasn’t the father because he DIDN’T FUCK ANERIS. I also don’t think Gruner was the father, though I wondered about that when I saw Aneris standing near it on the shore. It looked like pure sea creature to me, so I don’t think it was Aneris’ child at all. Although, Gruner did say she left sometimes and always wound up coming back. Maybe she made that baby with another sea creature while she was down there. She didn’t react to its death the way I feel like a mother would have reacted to her own child’s death though. I’m sticking with my “no” answer.
Jon: Friend definitely fucked Aneris. I think the 3 of them should go on Maury and have DNA tests
Lessons
Listen to the captain. If the captain suggests not staying on the island with the crazy naked guy, listen to him
Don’t start fires near your only shelter or really next to any shelter. Especially if you don;t really know what you’re doing. Especially if you have no way of putting it out.
Don’t fall in love with humanoid sea creatures. Don’t have sex with them. Don’t keep them as your sex slave. Don’t breed with them. Just don’t do it.
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