July 3rd is National Hop-A-Park Day. It’s a day to explore and celebrate the beauty of parks. Whether it’s the trails and scenic views of a state park or the swings and molten hot slide at your town park, going to the park is a time honored tradition. The park can be a fun day out for the whole family but there are always downsides. Outdoor pests, in particular the mosquito can ruin an outing in a hurry. Those annoying little fuckers will bite the shit out of you in minutes. The mosquito is also the deadliest animal in the world so be careful. In fact, maybe skip the park. Read this blog and watch a band of survivors consisting of a new park ranger and her boyfriend, an air force meteor chaser, a bumbling park ranger and a violent band of bank robbers fight off massive versions of the biting pests in Mosquito.
Trailer
Questions
Jon: Enough of a Boba Fett rip off of a spacecraft for you?
Sandy: Yeah it was. And it had major “look what I learned how to do in my Intro to CGI class this semester” vibes. Valiant effort though.
Jon: How close would you get to a giant mosquito dead or alive?
Sandy: NO THANK YOU. I like how totally fucking casual they were about it too. Like “ho hum, looks like we hit another standard poodle sized bug with the car again. Man, this one’s proboscis is wedged way further into the radiator than the last one’s proboscis. Proboscissssss.”
Jon: What are the symptoms of blood fever? Can a mosquito get a fever?
Sandy: I think I missed the blood fever reference somehow, but I’m going to guess that the symptoms are as follows; 1.) Unquenchable thirst for blood. 2.) That was it. Just the blood thing. Isn’t yellow fever a mosquito thing? If they can give fevers, don’t they have to have them first?
Jon: Did Hendricks give all the campers some kind of vile disease with his bug smoke?
Sandy: That fucking guy gave ZERO SHITS about any kind of safety precautions for anyone’s health, including his own. Know who didn’t seem bothered by the mosquito killing spray? The giant standard poodle sized mosquitos.
Jon: Is Megan mispronouncing proboscis the entire movie?
Sandy: Oh my god, the whole time I was thinking “I know what she’s talking about, yet something is amiss.” She gaslit me into wondering if I actually didn’t know how to pronounce it correctly.
Jon: I looked it up and apparently it is also pronounced with a silent C.
Jon: What’s the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind when it hits a windshield?
Sandy: Its proboscis?
Jon: According to the movie it’s his ass.
Jon: Is that the worst sex anyone has ever had?
Sandy: Right on the damn hot dogs!! Everyone knows if you bang in a horror movie, you’re going to die. It’s their own fault.
Jon: Should a mosquito find its own girlfriend?
Sandy: That one mosquito WAS getting pretty handsy.
Jon: Want to see a dead body?
Sandy: Oh, I’ve had my fill, thanks. Just kidding, I’ll need at least 35 more to be satisfied.
Jon: Why does Megan always want to take the body while Ray wants to leave it?
Sandy: Because she is desperate to be back in her old school lab and avoid her new “real job” responsibilities, while Ray is a normal person who doesn’t want to carry standard poodle sized mosquito corpses around town with him. I think he’s also got some proboscis envy.
Jon: Did you figure out who the actor playing Hendricks is?
Sandy: No, but when I realized during the end credits that Gunnar Hansen had played Earl, suddenly all of the many chainsaw jokes during the farmhouse scene made perfect hilarious sense.
Jon: That was Ron Asheton, the original guitarist from Iggy and the Stooges.
Jon: How annoying is it when you have a mosquito in your camper?
Sandy: I don’t have a camper, Jon, but I imagine it would be very annoying indeed.
Jon: The mosquitoes seem to have learned things during the movie like popping tires. How dangerous are smart mosquitoes?
Sandy: Well, if that mosquito did in fact kamikaze-pop that tire, it seems that they’d be pretty dangerous.
Jon: Did Ray’s jealousy ruin their best chance to stop the mosquitoes?
Sandy: Oh, for sure. Fucking Ray.
Jon: Does Hendricks know how to use a hammer and nails? Or really do any of them know how to use a hammer and nails?
Sandy: That’s a big old no. And also, how can boards that are secured enough to stop a swarm of giant irradiated mosquitoes be yanked off every window with a slight tug on a bit of twine?
Jon: Do you think about how you would react to being stuck in a farmhouse surrounded by giant mosquitoes? Is that when you know you’re tough?
Sandy: I’m not sure just being in there would make me know anything more than how loud I can scream or how far I can projectile vomit out of absolute terror.
Jon: Hendricks isn’t a very good looker is he?
Sandy: He had a massive proboscis leg wound, so he shouldn’t have been the one responsible for going down to the basement in the first place, but no he’s a fucking terrible looker. Why didn’t they close the nursery door once they realized those fuckers were down there?!?!
Jon: If you were blowing up a building, would you go to the roof?
Sandy: I literally had this written down as one of my questions for you too. No. That shit makes absolutely zero sense. I feel like they just threw that illogical bullshit in there out of the excitement of having a dumb waiter to use.
Sandy: How much did you love the scene where the regular sized mosquito landed on the alien’s arm? Didn’t it remind you of those 1930’s King Kong movies that combined live action and crude stop motion animation?
Jon: It’s fantastic. I love the old school approach to special effects. I love the throwback to the old monster movies that presented. Sometimes even the cheesiest effects are perfect and better than CGI.
Sandy: Do you have a bug box?
Jon: Back in my spy days, I had a whole box of bugs.
Sandy: Am I a shitty person for feeling shitty about myself over the fact that the dude with the fucking random patch shaved out of his hair was wearing a wedding ring?
Jon: This does not make you a shitty person. That dude was part of a vicious gang of bank robbers and he probably just murdered a kind old lady. Fuck Random Patch Shaved Guy.
Sandy: Is anyone surprised by how patch-head died?
Jon: Not in the least. I can’t fathom that trio as successful bank robbers. There was maybe half a brain split between the 3 of them and most of that was in Earl.
Sandy: Was Earl’s shotgun loaded with bullets full of tiny dynamite sticks? That mosquito exploded apart!
Jon: It wouldn’t be nearly as much fun if they just fell out of the sky. Besides, they were super irradiated and that makes things blow up in movies.
Sandy: The fucking eye scene in the boat? I yelled out loud when I saw that shit.
Jon: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck no! I can watch the nastiest, goriest shit in a movie but when something happens to an eye I’m done.
Sandy: How did the dead dude in the RV die from a mosquito bite in his back when he was sitting in the closed RV with his back against the seat?
Jon: Irradiated, giant mosquitoes have super powers. One of those powers is the ability to open… no nevermind. I have no fucking idea.
Sandy: Was the phrase “tell ‘em Large Marge sent ya” running through your head every time they showed a dead body too?
Jon: I loved that effect but I didn’t get any Large Marge thoughts because I had completely forgotten about Large Marge until you asked the question.
Sandy: Why didn’t they close the door to that room in the basement once they realized it was a mosquito nursery???
Jon: I guess at that point it’s too late. Even baby irradiated mosquitoes would shred that door. That scene reminded me of Alien with all the pods.
Sandy: Were they a little too chill and cheery after the farmhouse blew up with multiple people inside, or do I just not understand what it’s like to be hunted by giant standard poodle sized mosquitos?
Jon: They were probably too cheery but they did survive the poodle mosquitoes. There relationships with most of the people in the farmhouse was not great either so I think in that moment they get to celebrate and be happy.
Lessons
Don’t be a creeper and watch bikini clad girls while hiding in the bushes. It’s really weird and pretty gross to peep.
Wear bug repellent when you go out in the woods. I think some Off! would have saved lives. It keeps mosquitoes and ticks away. Some nice citronella candles would be helpful too.
Put the beer down when you have to run and rescue someone. Chug it or set it down otherwise you risk spilling your beer and there’s nothing worse than spilled beer.
Remember to take the keys off of the dead body. This is a basic horror survival tip. The key is never in the ignition so unless you can hot wire a car, check those pockets.
Check the basement thoroughly. You have to know if you’re making a stand on top of a mosquito nursery or any other threat.
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