July 24 is National Drive-Thru Day. It’s a day to celebrate the convenience of driving up to the window to pick up your food, unless you don’t have a car, then you have to go inside. Then you can pull into a parking spot and scarf down the massive amount of fast food you ordered without ever setting foot on the greasy McDonald’s floor. So to honor National Drive-Thru Day, head out to Starbucks and grab a grande latte, hit the CVS for some Ex Lax and close it with a run through Taco Bell and then see if you can win the race home to the toilet OR you could watch Drive Thru.
Questions
Jon: The mid-2000s was a good time for fashion, music and language or God awful? Oh and hairstyles?
Sandy: I can’t honestly say that I even remember any styles from that era. I feel like I graduated college and everything was a fucking blur and now I’m 40... BUT based on this movie, it was all pretty terrible. Do you think this movie was an accurate representation of the styles in that time period, or do you think they overplayed it all to make these kids seem more like total douchebags?
Jon: No this looks pretty much how I remember people dressing from like 2000-2010. Big baggy pants that barely stayed up, braids on guys, and a whole lot of people saying yo. Even Horny the Clown looks 2007 all shiny and metallic looking. What do you call white boy braids? Bro Rows?
Sandy: I think the official term is cultural appropriation. Speaking of appropriate, how much do you love the name of the town these fuckers are all from?
Jon: Carne Blanca may be the most appropriate name for a suburban town ever. There are a few amusing names in this movie. The reporter is Anita Hill. Should suburban white guys rap?
Sandy: I think suburban white folk have the potential to come up with some interesting rap ideas, but I’m not sure all suburban white guys SHOULD be taking a stab at it. Certainly not these muffs.
Jon: A deep fried head!?!?!?!?!??!
Sandy: HUZZAHHHH!!! This is a repeating pattern in the movies we’ve been watching and I’m not sad about it. Which deep fried head scene was more entertaining in your opinion, the one in Blood Diner or the one in Drive Thru? And why?!
Jon: Blood Diner for sure because it has the added bonus of the head getting knocked off. Mind over mammary glands????
Sandy: I think I missed this reference in the movie somehow, because I have no fucking idea what you’re talking about. Please explain.
Jon: This line came up in during one of the 87 scenes where Fisher was trying to get in Mack’s pants. Mackenzie is so punk rock huh?
Sandy: Maybe more like modified grunge? Or a child of Hot Topic?
Jon: It winds up being more Hot Topic and their mid-2000s clothing lines. Ouija board- real shit or fake scare game?
Sandy: I don’t know man. I think it could be possible to contact spirits or something from another dimension or time or whatevvs, but can a factory manufactured worldwide distributed “game board” be what does it? Eh. They’re rad looking though. Magic 8 Ball... do you shake it, or gently turn it around?
Jon: Shake it like a Polaroid picture except you aren’t supposed to shake Polaroids because they don’t come out as well. Do you think any of these kids have much to clear from their minds?
Sandy: Statistically, someone in there must have been molested at some point or had an alcoholic parent, but for most I’d say the depth of their thoughts were shallower than those plastic kiddie pools you buy for $15 at the supermarket. Actually, Mack was pretty smart and on top of figuring things out, but not mature enough to handle anything carefully. Almost everyone is just raging with imbalanced hormones in high school, so most thoughts are probably fleeting and centered around seeing boobs and figuring out how to get an opportunity to touch them. Would you be as accepting and seemingly unbothered as Mack by all the supernatural shit she witnessed?
Jon: That’s the mid-2000s suburban rage against nothing. No, Mack is unusually calm about the possessed clown mascot of a Satan themed fast food place. What will Mack get out of college besides a stalker or a designer drug addiction?
Sandy: Debt. Massive debt.
Jon: Can you have faith in a cop who thinks Styx sang Highway to Hell?
Sandy: I don’t have faith in any of the cops we’ve seen in any of the movies we’ve watched so far. They’re always complete fucking idiots, and they almost all always have issues with their top 5 shirt buttons.
Jon: Koumpounophobia. Did that chili look like vomit?
Sandy: ALL CHILI LOOKS LIKE VOMIT. Name a chili that doesn’t look like vomit. AND I DON’T MEAN ANY TYPE OF CHILI PEPPER OR TOWN NAMED CHILI OR ANY DUMB SHIT LIKE THAT, YOU SMARTASS.
Jon: Wasn’t that a graduation party? Why are they back in school? And she’s still taking yearbook photos?
Sandy: Was it a graduation party? Seriously though... was it?
Jon: That’s what Mack told her parents. Maybe she was just being snarky. Are you envious of the custodian’s teeth?
Sandy: Oh yeah. Nice elongated gum area with a drop-down to some broken shards of brown-stained concrete? (Imagine me putting my fingers together and placing them at my lips and then out into the air for one of those Italian “this is delicious” finger kisses.) Do you understand what I mean by Italian “this is delicious” finger kisses, or do I need to send you a video? Imma send a video anyway.
Jon: I don’t know what any of that means. Is this clown the perfect representation of 2007?
Sandy: Again, the styles of that era are very hazy for me, but I do have a specific style in mind that I feel it matches pretty perfectly. Like the juggalo Insane Clown Posse look? Or is that more like the Bro Rows guys? I do kind of dig the clown’s whole look though. He’s definitely doing most of his shopping at Hot Topic and Party City.
Jon: Is that really what happens to a head in a microwave? Want to find out?
Sandy: YES and YES. But not with mine.
Jon: Are the Hella Burgers ads all just super gross?
Sandy: The mascot is named Horny the Clown, so... yes. What has to be wrong with someone for them to start a Hell-themed restaurant chain with a devil clown named Horny and then have their young (possibly mentally disabled?) son play said horny devil clown?
Jon: Is it any worse than a clown with a big purple blob friend, a king or a red-headed girl? I’d eat it especially with those fine collector cups. Is Crackers even useless? Is he less than that?
Sandy: It’s CROCKERS you cracker. Yeah, totally useless though. He actually seems to get in the way and cause more problems just by being around, which does indeed make him worse/less than useless.
Jon: Fast food ownership is really that lucrative?
Sandy: Dude made a deal with the Devil. Do you think breaking into someone’s house is the smoothest way to have a talk with them about their resurrected murderous vengeful ghost son?
Jon: You have to go to extreme measures to convince people of murderous vengeful ghosts. Sometime a little B and E is the only way to be heard. Did you cheer when Chad and Tina got killed?
Sandy: Fo sho ho. Their ride car stopped and they had enough time to get out and fugg until Chad had an orgasm. How fast do you estimate Chad climaxed, to the second, from the moment of initial penetration? I’ll need to see your equation and margin math work to justify your estimate.
Jon: I was never good at showing my work but here goes: at 1 inch per second per thrust I would estimate he finished in 1.7 seconds. Is poisoning a cop the best way to get them to not suspect you of murder?
Sandy: Fisher was just trying to help everyone else by taking that waste of space out of the picture for a little while. But, no. I totally thought Fisher was the killer at that point. How did Fisher know Crackers would eat the partially eaten burger off of his plate?
Jon: It’s Crockers and did he look like he missed many opportunities to eat someone’s unfinished food? What could a pasty Orange County socialite have done to anyone?
Sandy: Well, not much really. She stood in a doorway as her friends went in to act like assholes and the fire was set by accident when the birthday cake fell over. She even tried to get into the the restaurant to help once the bigger fire started, but it was locked.
Jon: Does anyone enjoy a play place more than stoners?
Sandy: I think stoners enjoy everything more, but especially a good play place. Have you ever been so stoned that you’d be able to flop around in a child’s ball pit without ever noticing the murderous huge axe-thing wielding ghost clown that was laying in the pit with you?
Jon: Me??? No! Never! Seriously me? Remember when Morgan Spurlock was a thing?
Sandy: He ate a lot of burgers and fries for a long time and then couldn’t fuck his girlfriend... Brilliant! 🙄
Jon: Why does this kid need black face to go to the burger guy’s house?
Sandy: My reaction notes for this part literally say “AAAAANNNNNNDDDDDD... blackface”. I don’t know. Trying to blend in to the night? Was that clown’s axe-thing large enough to cleanly cut that dude in half the way he did? THE ANSWER IS NO, JON. HOW THE FUCK DID THAT HAPPEN?
Jon: NO Sandy the answer is clearly yes because it happened. Are these the worst one liners by a killer ever?
Sandy: Probably not EVER, but they’re definitely towards the top of the list.
Jon: Did the birthday cake writing look poorly planned out?
Sandy: All of the birthday cakes in this movie were really sad. Now I want to eat some cake. Not evil Hell-clown cake though. Just regular cake.
Jon: Did you know a clown could burn that easily?
Sandy: Regular clowns are very flammable. But how flammable is a ghost clown??
Jon: Based on my extensive research into clown burnings of all sorts, ghost clowns burn at an average of 36 degrees higher than a flesh and bone clown. Want to torch a clown?
Sandy: I’ll tell you one big dumb fuckface orange clown I’d like to torch. HEY-O!
Jon: Why do Mack and her mom need to wait for a ride to the hospital when they’re sitting in the back of an ambulance and Mack should really be seen by a doctor?
Sandy: Were there even any EMS people with those ambulances? Am I correct in believing that Archie transferred his evil-ass clown soul to Fisher’s body and that’s how Fisher was able to leap out of the hospital window and land safely multiple floors below to run off somewhere? AND, if that’s the case, why does he kill Crackers at the end? I thought Archie’s M.O. was revenge on the children of his accidental murderers?
Jon: IT’S CROCKERS!! And yes the EMTs were joking with Crockers. The Fisher version of Horny doesn’t have to follow those rules anymore. Fisher Horny is free to kill whoever he wants. That’s how it works. I think. Should Horny the Clown be a burger mascot or an attraction at the erotic circus?
Sandy:Definitely an attraction at the erotic circus. Or maybe at a NAMBLA convention.
Jon: Would you go to an erotic circus?
Sandy: Would I go?!?! I’d quit all of my jobs to be a part of that wacky shit.
Lessons
Don’t walk into a closed restaurant and taunt the clown. What are you doing in a closed restaurant to begin with? And fucking with the clown mascot? I’m not one to be afraid of clowns but on the off chance it’s some lunatic, just leave him alone.
No more man braids or bro rows or whatever the fuck oyu want to call them. You just look dumb.
Don’t pull pranks on or bully less popular kids especially ones that are potentially dangerous. That makes you a douche and no one really likes a douche.
Plan your cake writing. It should never say HAPPY BIRTHDAYARCHIE!!!
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