Happy Holidays!!

 It’s December, and that means it's the holiday season but more importantly it’s time to binge all the Christmas horror movies that we love so much.  To kick off December we watched the French movie Deadly Games aka Dial Code Santa Claus.  Deadly Games is part Home Alone, part Die Hard, and all amazing.  Thomas is an action movie-obsessed young boy.  He spends his days acting out his action hero fantasies with his grandfather and dog.  His is an idyllic fantasy world until a demented man dressed as Santa shows up to take revenge on Thomas.  Can Thomas put his action hero training to good use to defend his home and family?  Read the blog and watch Deadly Games to find out.

Questions

Jon: How awesome would it have been to have an old World War II plane in your house when you were a kid? 

SANDY:  I was so confused by that at first when the movie started, but yes that would be pretty fucking epic.  

Alison: So cool and with a dog copilot even! 

Jon: Does Thomas need some age appropriate friends besides a dog and an old man?  

SANDY:  He was friends with that kid who was kind of a dick about saying Santa wasn’t real… that kind of counts. 

Alison: That kid definitely needs to get out and mingle more. 

Jon: Fuck Pilou?  

SANDY: I can’t remember anyone’s fucking name. Is that the dickish kid? 

Alison: Pilou not only has a weird name but he's also a jerk. 

Jon: Did Napoleon really exist?  Does Thomas desperately need more socialization?  

SANDY: Probably? To both? 

Alison: As above, yes this poor kid needs to get out more. 

Jon: Is this the weirdest wannabe, psycho Santa ever?  

SANDY: The weirdest? I’m gonna say no. Not based on any specific wannabe psycho Santa data, just a hunch. 

Alison: His eyes are particularly disturbing. 

Jon: How many chaotic wake-ups does grandpa have to endure?  SANDY: Oh my god, how did he not have 12 fucking heart attacks?! He was awfully jolly for being woken up like that too, I would have instinctually murdered that child just as a self defense reaction to that. Alison: He is such a sweet grandpa. So joyfully engaged with that kid. How strong is this kids mullet game? 

SANDY:  Haha, he’s a fucking professional.

Jon: He should enter the USA Mullet Championship.  The grand prize in 2023 was $10,000.  Maybe I should grow one.

Alison: How big is this freaking house ?  

SANDY: Right?!?! That shit’s a castle.

Jon: Second largest in France.

Alison: Is Pilou the jerk ? Is Pilou the weirdo?  

SANDY:  Whyyyy can I not remember anyone’s fucking names?! 

Jon: Pilou’s a creep.  He’s a weirdo.  What the hell is he doing here?  He don’t belong here.

Alison: How gross is it to kiss strangers?  

SANDY: Ummm… I mean… it’s also kinda hot. Oh wait, you mean kiss them hello?

Jon: So how would you greet someone?  Stick a finger in their butt?

Alison: This kid is like 9 and works on cars?  

SANDY:  He’s a mullety genius!

Jon: Thomas is everything that little punk Kevin McAllister wishes he could be.  By the way, Deadly Games came out before Home Alone.

Alison: Okay, I see he also drives.  

SANDY:  Exactly. Fucking prodigy.

Jon: Dream on, Kevin!

Alison: Are kid and grandpa playing DnD before there was DnD?  SANDY:  That wasn’t DnD? I just assumed it was. When was DnD invented??

Jon: Maybe it was French DnD but it wasn’t DnD although it was invented before this movie was released.

Sandy: Were either of you as excited about how similar garbage trucks are elsewhere in the world?? Because I was very oddly excited about that. 

Alison: I was just disturbed by how close those kids were playing to the garbage trucks. 

Jon: I didn’t even notice the garbage trucks but if that excites you, great.

Sandy: Did you guys know that I once wrote and printed out a note “from Santa” for Edric so we could set up “Christmas morning” a day early since he wasn’t going to be with us for it that year? And that he said he knew it was real because we didn’t have a printer at home? I didn’t murder anyone afterwards though. 

Alison: That is so sweet. I remember notes from Santa when I was a kid. Those were the best. 

Jon: You skipped the best part then.

Sandy: Soooo… the kid is babysitting the grandpa? 

Alison: Well he works on cars and also drives them AND he has a mullet so I think that makes him legally an adult in France. 

Jon: Grandpa is mostly blind, old, and diabetic.  Thomas has that under control.

Sandy: Also… who leaves their kid alone outside of a store with a total stranger dressed as Santa? Whatttttt?? 

Alison: Hi 1980s childhood! 

Jon: Every 1980s parent.

Sandy: Would you hesitate to run someone over if you’d just watched them stab your dog to death with a pie server? 

Alison: I would immediately rush the person and stab them to death. Immediately. 

Jon: I might hesitate a little if the killer was 2 feet taller and 150 pounds heavier.  Sorry 68 kilograms.

Sandy: HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT TO HIDE INSIDE A SUIT OF ARMOR?!?! 

Alison: I think my claustrophobia would get to me. {{shiver}}

Jon: Scooby Doo gave me that desire.  This just cemented it.

Lessons

Encourage your child to explore their inner action hero.  You never know when it will save their life.

Thomas > Kevin.

Black Friday!

 It’s Black Friday!  On Black Friday, millions of Americans line up at ungodly hours, pile into retail stores, often unwashed and still farting Thanksgiving dinner farts and beat the shit out of one another to save a couple dollars.  It’s amazing and appalling that this is still a thing we’re willing to do.  Meanwhile, underpaid retail workers have to deal with the stupidity of grown adults arguing over who gets this year’s Cabbage Patch kid.  How could any of this possibly be any worse?  Well, in Black Friday, it gets much worse when alien beings begin to possess the shoppers making them slightly more dangerous than normal.  As more and more shoppers fall victim, the employees face a seemingly insurmountable dilemma.  Can they survive the aliens?  Why are we still doing Black Friday?

Questions

Jon: Does the girls’ description of Grant sound just like you and me?  Using Axe body spray and farting all the time.  That’s my kind of guy. SANDY:  Maybe the two overpowering stinks will cancel each other out. That, or it’ll be like a nuclear bomb of stinks.

Alison: I love axe body spray so I'm not really sure what their problem is. 

Jon: Turn that frown upside down.  You look like you don’t want to work Thanksgiving.  Who does? 

SANDY: Yo. I had to work on Thanksgiving at MICHAELS ARTS AND CRAFTS STORE once. That was so fucking shitty. Who is rushing to finish their family meal so they can buy fucking YARN?

Alison: I am grateful that I've never worked on Thanksgiving. 

Jon: Is liquor in your coffee the best way to prepare to work on Black, sorry Green, Friday?’ 

SANDY: That’s a regular daily activity at my place of business. 

Alison: Everyone has their different ways of coping I guess. 

Jon: How much do you want a Dour Dennis? 

SANDY: I do feel a strong kinship with that thing. I feel like I’d want a bunch of them to hide at people’s houses.

Alison: I do love Dour Dennis. He's hilarious. 

Jon: If someone says “full disclose” to you, how quickly do they get punched? 

SANDY: I’d do it immediately so I could feel like my punch is what stopped the rest of the word from being spoken.

Alison: full disclose, I'm cool with it. Ouch! 

Jon: Did you know the police have a voice mail? 

SANDY: Haha, that’s the safest cop there is!

Alison: police voice mail must also be full on black Friday. 

Jon: Do you enjoy going to black Friday sales at actual stores ? SANDY: Is this a trick question? Fuck no. Though I might consider going to a random store with treats for their employees to survive the day.

Alison: Hell no!  You've both worked on Black Friday right? How awful is it? 

SANDY: I have worked so many awful Black Fridays, though I think the morning shifts are worse for me. That same year I was scheduled on Thanksgiving day at Michael’s until 11:30 or midnight, they tried to schedule me for 4am Black Friday morning as well. And I had to be in at 5am when I worked at Spencer’s for Black Friday. It was so early our satellite radio wasn’t even playing yet and when it suddenly blasted into existence at around 8, I almost shit my pants.

Jon: I didn’t mind working Black Friday or Thanksgiving Day for that matter.  Thanksgiving was time and a half and Black Friday was so busy time flew by. There were so many customers to piss off and make fun of too.  I thrived in that chaos.

Alison: How adorable is Bruce Campbell in a bowtie? 

SANDY: I feel like he’s adorable forever and always no matter what. But the bow tie really does bring it to the next level.

Jon: Bowties are for nerds and poindexters.

Alison- Is Devin Sawa poor man's Gerard butler? 

SANDY: Don’t you dare disparage Devin Sawa! My love! My soulmate! Haha, not really, but I did have a huge crush on him when I was younger. Idle Hands? Delicious.

Jon: He came across as the love child of Gerard Butler and Damian Lewis in this movie.

Alison: Can we all agree that online shopping is better than this insanity? 

SANDY: I do prefer to see and feel what I’m buying, but the cost of having to be near people (especially people acting like absolute ravenous maniacs for random crap) is a bit too high.

Jon: Depends on what I’m shopping for.  I prefer to buy movies at stores because I find so many other movies.  Everything else is online.

Alison: Overall is this a fairly accurate portrayal of black Friday? SANDY: Oh my god, yes. If someone had told me this was a documentary about Black Friday, I would not have been surprised.

Jon: Aside from the aliens, this is exactly what Black Friday is like.  Management screwing you over.  Asshole customers.  Low stock and recalled Dour Dennis.  It’s all too real.

Sandy: If a meteor or other mysterious thing came exploding through the roof at your toy store job and was pulsating on the floor when you went to explore what had happened, would you purposely get closer and closer to it?

Alison: Fuck no! I'd quit. 

Jon: Am I drunk or high?  That always affected my retail decision making.

Sandy: Have I mentioned how cocksuckingly happy I am that I don’t have to work retail on Black Friday anymore?

Alison: I'm also happy for you. Not quite sure how people survive working retail in general. 

Jon: I’m not sure I’d describe my happiness as cocksucking but I’m damned overjoyed that I don’t anymore.

Sandy: Do you believe that people who try to shop on Thanksgiving Day or at 5am on Black Friday should be shot, hung, or blasted in the face repeatedly until their heads resemble the mashed potatoes store employees missed getting to enjoy with their families?

Alison: Seems a bit much. But I definitely don't get why people want to do any of it! 

Jon: Meh.  To each their own I guess.  Plenty of people miss holiday dinners because of work.

Sandy: Every store I’ve ever worked in has at some point had someone shit on the floor while I was there. Sometimes people let you know and sometimes you find it on your own like a little brown Easter egg. Or puddle. Similar experiences? (Outside of working as a nurse.)

Alison: Thankfully even as a nurse I've only encountered poop once. I couldn't handle it though. I started dry heaving and had to leave. 

Jon: I’m usually the one shitting in the stores you work at.

Sandy: What the fuck was on Chris’ keyboard at his register? Caramel? Orc snot? Jon, remember when I obsessively cleaned each individual key on every keyboard at every computer and register at B Dalton? We weren’t supposed to leave the area and I was bored out of my fucking mind and started noticing the absolute filth that had gathered on the center of each key. Why can’t I muster that cleaning energy at my apartment?

Alison: I always think I'm going to get so much done at our house. Thankfully I've never encountered grossness on my keyboard either though. Blech. 

Jon:  I remember that.  You were way more motivated than me at that job.  I usually just grabbed a magazine or plotted some ridiculous scheme to mess with people like the autographed by the bookseller books.

Lessons

Work is more fun when you put booze in your coffee.

Stay home on Black Friday.  The deals aren’t that good.

Happy Halloween 3

 Happy Halloween!  If you’re like me, you don’t need a movie to watch tonight because Halloween always gets watched on Halloween.  Some of you may choose to observe it differently, so if you’re stuck for a movie tonight maybe check out Thir13een Ghosts.  In Thir13een Ghosts, Monk, sorry, Artur Kriticos, inherits his creepy ghost-catching uncle’s all-glass house with a basement that contains 13 of the nastiest ghosts around.  These aren’t your run-of-the-mill spooky ghosts but rather the super murderous kind that you can only see with special glasses.  Of course, the glasses are in short supply and Arthur, his family, the nanny and some others who randomly showed up must fight to survive.  Why is the house full of ghosts so terrible?  Is it a sinister plot?  Watch Thir13een Ghosts and find out.

Questions

Jon- Was Matthew Lillard born to play Shaggy?  That’s all I can ever see him as anymore.  

SANDY:  I’m not totally sure I saw the live action Scooby Doo. I think mainly because I find Freddie Prince Jr to be so ungodly fucking irritating for some reason. He does seem like the perfect match for that role though.

Alison- Alison: yes he was although I never saw that. But he fits the part. 

Jon- So basically their ghost capturing methods are next gen Ghostbusters methods.  Does that make Thir13een Ghosts Ghostbuster 3?  

SANDY-  Fuck you, Jon. You fucking nerd.

Alison- Wasn't there already a Ghostbusters 3? Didn't we see that?

Jon- There was but this came out before it so Thir13een Ghosts is Ghostbusters 3 and that one is Ghostbusters 4.  Did you expect Tony Shalhoub to have OCD and be Monk?   

Alison- I've never seen Monk.

SANDY-  I’ve also never seen Monk! I can only picture him as the Dad in Marvelous Mrs Maisel.

Jon- When someone tells you that a family member squandered the family fortune, why would you ask if we have a family fortune?  

SANDY-  Her main purpose is boobs and teeth, not thinking.

Alison- Because duh. 

Jon- Would you live in a house like that?  Is the bathroom in the basement?  

SANDY-  FUCK NO. I’d take one fucking look at that thing and turn right the fuck around and be on my merry way. Maybe? Do ghosts need to shit?

Alison- No. Too many windows. 

Jon- If you ignore the guy warning you about the house full of dangerous ghosts, do you deserve what comes next?  Do you go in the basement when he tells you not to?  

SANDY-  Yes, and no. That’s some bad vibes right there. Why risk it?

Alison- Fuck no.  

Sandy- Have I ever told you about the huge crush I used to have on Matt Lillard? I think it stems from SLC Punk and my weakness for a Mohawkked smartass.

Alison- Not surprising at all. Haha

Jon- Did I ever tell you about the huge crush I have on Matthew Lillard?  Probably stems from him being Shaggy incarnate and the association to food and weed.

Sandy-  “A truck full of blood? You gotta be shittin’ me.” What was the point of that blood truck, really??

Alison- Not sure. It appeared to be bait for ghosts ? 

Jon- It’s there to up the gore content.  

Sandy- Is the singed portrait of his dead wife a bit much, or am I just a heartless twat?

Alison- You twat ! 

Jon- Both can be true, you heartless twat.

Sandy- Miss Maggie doesn’t do windows, or cook breakfast… what does she do??

Alison- Follows the rest of them around making wry remarks, apparently. 

Jon- She makes a mean bologna sandwich.  Cuts the crusts off perfectly and her mustard spreading is exquisite.

Sandy- What do you want to look like if you become a creepy ghost?

Alison- A drowned woman. Perpetually leaking water onto the floor. 

Jon- Me.

Sandy- “Did the lawyer split?”

Alison- Hilarious. 

Jon- Yes but the jury was hung.

Alison- Is F. Murray Abraham like the coolest mf or what?  

SANDY-  The actor? Yeah, he seems cool, but don’t anyone come at me if he’s a creep in real life because I’m not going to research his entire history right now. The character in this film? BATSHIT.

Jon- The coolest?  Nope but he’s pretty cool.

Alison- Is Tony Shalhoub at all believable as Shannon Elizabeth's dad?  

SANDY-  Absolutely not. They’re like the same fucking age.

Jon- More believable than if he were her boyfriend.

Alison- Do you want to inherit a creepy mansion in the hills?  

SANDY-  Not if it looks like that. Or has angry ghosts trapped inside on purpose.

Jon- Sure but it won’t happen since I don’t have a creepy, ghost hunting uncle living in a mansion in the hills.  But I’m open to being adopted by one.

Alison- Do you wish you had special glasses that show you ghosts ?  SANDY-  Yes. And also no? I’d be curious to see some ghosts, but I also kind of wonder if knowing they’re there would be more likely to just freak me out. I don’t want to know if some ghostie perv is watching me take a shit if there’s nothing I can do about it.

Jon- I definitely want to know if a ghost is watching me shit but that would also make me completely unable to shit again.  So I guess that’s no glasses for me.

Alison- Sliding glass door death = cool?  

SANDY:  It reminded me of when I went to see the Bodies exhibit!

Jon- Absolutely!

Lessons

1. If the creepy guy warns you about the dangerous ghosts in the house, listen to him.

2. If you live in a glass house, everyone will see you shit.