International Skinny Dipping Day!

 July 9th is International Skinny Dipping Day!  That’s right, the world takes a day to celebrate the time honored, teen tradition of stripping off all your clothes and jumping in a body of water in the dark.  It’s never as much fun as you think it should be either.  In Piranha, skinny dipping is even less fun for Barbara and David after they hop the fence of a military testing site and swim in the pool full of piranhas.  Before long, a hapless private investigator, Maggie, is dispatched to locate the missing hikers but instead manages to release the fish into the local river.  Chaos ensues.  Can Maggie and Paul stop the piranhas before they feast on a summer camp?  Is Dick Miller the coolest man ever?  What is that little claymation monster?  So celebrate skinny dipping by keeping your clothes on, watching Piranha and reading us.

Questions

Jon: How important is reading signs?

Alison: Very important. They may have read it, but totally disregarded it. By the way, night hiking?? Is that a thing??

Jon: It might be a thing but usually you have flashlights or some light source.  Should you ever climb the fence of a restricted military site?

Alison: No, nor should you disregard the signage. Will a little law breaking do you good?

Jon: Absolutely.  But just a little.  Mischief and maybe a little petty theft.  As long as you don’t go beyond that, you’re cool.  Ever been skinny dipping?

Alison: Sort of? When I was thirteen a few friends and I decided it would be fun to give it a shot while already in the water, then quickly re-robed. Shocking!

Jon: Ah there’s the debut of prude Alison.  Does any skinny dipper ever survive a horror movie?

Alison: No, like sex, it is instant death sentence.

Jon: Do you think anyone over 25 routinely skinny dips?

Alison: The French, probably.

Jon: I know the answer but favorite Joe Dante movie?

Alison: Uhhhh…this one?? Not Gremlins, actually.

Jon: Is Maggie really 2/3rds bloodhound when she can’t even find her plane ticket that her boss never gave her?

Alison: Nope. Hey, what is with frying fish with the skin still on? YUCK.

Jon: I would imagine it helps hold the flavor in but apparently some people like the skin too.  So does Paul have the old guy hike into town to get him booze?

Alison: Apparently! Apparently he is also low-key Charlton Heston, wouldn’t you agree? 

Jon: No I don’t see that at all.  

Alison: Had you ever heard of a skip tracing company before this movie?

Jon: I have but usually more as people who track down guys who jump bail.  Does it look like Maggie can actually drive the Jeep?

Alison: Definitely not. And how incredibly rude is she when in a total stranger’s house??

Jon: She’s a woman in a man’s profession trying to get Paul to cooperate.  It was effective.  How great a question is “Did my ex-wife send you?”?

Alison: Pretty fantastic and he did not miss a beat.

Jon: How annoying does someone have to be for you to take your meal and leave your own house to get away from them?

Alison: They have to be at least 1/3rd bloodhound.

Jon: If that were the case, you would move closer to them to eat and probably share your fish.  How cool is the piranha noise?

Alison: So cool. I can’t describe the sound. Bubbles?? Bubbles and buzzing??

Jon: According to Joe Dante, they used a dental drill.  I thought the noise was bullshit but I watched a video and learned that piranha make barking sounds.  Ever go into a building that isn’t yours and start flipping switches and levers?

Alison: Yes, other people’s houses while pet sitting.

Jon: Doesn’t count.  You were invited inside.  What is the little creature?

Alison: I do not know but HOW ADORABLE are Kevin McCarthy’s little creatures?

Jon: They’re alright.  How cool is a guy who carries a canteen full of booze?

Alison: He is definitely 1970s hermit cool, that’s for sure.

Jon: Is Maggie a good PI?

Alison: She does love asking questions, A LOT, so yes?

Jon: If you lived on a river, would you learn to not be afraid of it?

Alison: Yes. I lived near the Hudson and it never scared me. Hey Jon, if you don’t pass your solo swim you can’t get your water badge.

Jon: Well damn.  That’ll keep me up all night.  I really wanted that badge.  Ever have a camp counselor as douchey as Mr. Dumont or one that insisted on being called mister?

Alison: Yes, I had one that told me “I sweat like a boy.” What a bitch. How recently do you think Mr. Dumont has gotten laid?

Jon: Never.  How much more innocent was 1978? They have a hard time believing the government would make killer piranhas?

Alison: So innocent. Approximately half the United States now thinks this.

Jon: Is it fair for Paul and Maggie to blame Dr. Hoak for the piranhas being in the river?

Alison: Not at all. It’s totally Maggie’s fault. Have you ever heard someone say “summer CAMP,” with the emphasis on the CAMP?

Jon: Not that I recall but I don’t usually analyze people’s speech patterns.  Do you feel weird tearing up a photo of yourself?

Alison: I don’t know if I ever have, but it seems like it’s a bad thing to do, magically speaking. What exactly did Dr. Hoak intend to accomplish when he jumped in the water? Being a land bridge? He actually foresaw that?

Jon: I think instinct took over and he wanted to save that boy who was so important that shortly thereafter he disappeared from the movie.  So the military sent all these men for a job they didn’t necessarily believe was needed?

Alison: Sounds accurate. Is the dam operator strangely absorbed by ancient black and white cartoons?

Jon: Nope.  He was properly absorbed in the cartoons.  Is fish genetics a small field?

Alison: I would agree that is likely.

Jon: Does Tom the MP look like he could stop anyone from escaping?

Alison: Hahahaha no.

Jon: Why did Maggie have the MP look up before she flashed him? Isn’t that just combining distractions to counteract them? 

Alison: I actually have here, Does Maggie have a unique way of distracting people? She seems to have ad-libbed the whole thing.

Jon: Ad libbing a distraction is fine but when you have someone look up and then flash them, it seems like you’ve assured that person’s eyes will wind up on what you were trying to distract them from.  Does anyone in this movie pronounce piranha the same way?

Alison: Nope. I half expected someone to say “pineapple.”

Jon: Dick Miller!!!!!

Alison: Yes!!!!! Was Dick Miller born to play a schmucky “resort” operator?

Jon: You watch your mouth.  Dick Miller was born to play anything Dick Miller wanted to play.  How great an insult is “I thought you could get a man’s pants off quicker than that.”?

Alison: It’s not an insult, it’s a compliment. She asks, “Did I ever tell you about Mo Schneider,” meanwhile they’ve known each other for less than 24 hours?

Jon: It’s a little odd but maybe that’s one of her go to stories that she usually tells shortly after meeting someone.  We all have them.  Did you see all the people in the lake and think buffet?

Alison: Jon, I know it’s been a long time since we went to a buffet but this is a little extreme. Also, yes.

Jon: I eat who I want as a buffet.  Why didn’t they get real scissors for the ribbon cutting?

Alison: Do they ever have anything other than the fake ones? Do they sell giant actual scissors?

Jon: Did you look at the campers as a veal buffet?

Alison: NO! Ew. But also haha. Did you like summer camp, Jon?

Jon: Hmmm, 6 more weeks with the kids who didn’t like me, run by sadistic counselors who gave more wedgies than the campers, heat and eating lunch in dirt.  Loved it.  Do you want to feed over-exuberant whistle blowers to piranha?

Alison: Who doesn’t?

Jon: Heavens to Betsy?

Alison: I like that expression. Meanwhile, tell the nice blog readers why you don’t swim in natural bodies of water.

Jon: Because they’re fish toilets.  Also, fish are external fertilizers so there’s fish jizz in there too.  Probably why the water is so salty.  I don’t like pools much either because those are kids’ toilets.  Did Maggie just have to tell the telephone operator to look in the phonebook?

Alison: Seems it. Is it a good idea to work on your hand signals before water skiing?

Jon: It’s probably a good idea.  How safe is scuba diving around motorboats?

Alison: Not very.

Jon: Horny little piranhas?

Alison: Hey, if you’re going to be an invasive subspecies cultivated by the military you have to do your best to proliferate.

Jon: Was it satisfying when Colonel Waxman got eaten?

Alison: YES, although Barbara Steele didn’t seem pleased.

Jon: Why didn’t Paul take the jeans and flannel shirt off before diving into the water?

Alison: It was the 70s Jon. You can’t remove your 70s uniform.

Jon: Maybe he wouldn’t have gotten all chewed up if he wasn’t weighing himself down with all the clothing.  Additionally, why was he wearing a flannel shirt in the summer?

Alison: The 70s.

Jon: Who let the cameraman film the bodies?

Alison: Aaaaaaand the 70s.

Lessons

Establishing hand signals saves lives.

Don’t skinny dip in government research facility pools.

Lakes, rivers and other natural bodies of water are fish toilets.

Happy Independence Day!

 July 4th is Independence Day in the United States!  It’s the day we celebrate our forefathers’ bold decision to break away from England.  So, how do we celebrate?  We barbecue massive hunks of a variety of meats, drink excessive amounts of alcohol and try to blow up the sky- for days after.  While we definitely participate in some of the activities (I love hamburgers and hot dogs), we celebrate days with movies and for the 4th of July our pick was Uncle Sam.  In Uncle Sam, young Jody (Choady) worships his Uncle Sam Harper.  Sam is his role model, so when Sam is killed in a friendly fire incident in Kuwait, Jody is crushed.  But Sam doesn’t stay dead and his crispy corpse cuts its way through anyone and everyone he determines has disrespected the country he loved and moves on to anyone in his path.  Can Jody, Jed and Barry stop Sam’s murderous rampage?  Does Jody even want to?  Are guys on stilts inherently creepy?  Watch Uncle Sam and read the blog for those answers and many others.

Questions

Jon: Is there a lot of green in that Kuwaiti desert?

Alison: Yes, that is a very not-convincing Kuwaiti desert. Is “friendly fire” THE most bullshit term ever?

Jon: So I Googled ridiculous military phrases and I don’t even think it’s the most bullshit military phrase.  Acceptable loss/casualties is definitely more bullshit. How do you feel about people whose first and last name rhyme like Tim Grimm? 

Alison: I can’t be one to throw stones… My name is now quite alliterated.

Jon: Yours only comes out that way if you over pronounce or sing it.  I think it’s the single syllable in each word that makes it stand out.  How happy does “written by Larry Cohen” make you? 

Alison: I actually don’t know much about him, but now I know he’s staunchly anti-war, and I can dig that.

Jon: Larry Cohen either wrote or directed so many classics like The Stuff, It’s Alive and God Told Me To.  The pairing with director William Lustig also gave us the Maniac Cop movies.  How annoying are kids that interrogate you in the middle of the night?

Alison: Everyone is annoying in the middle of the night, because that means I’m awake.

Jon: Yeah but the middle of the night for you is 10 PM.  Is there ever a town as deserted as Twin Rivers at any time of day?

Alison: Apparently the next town over from us on July 3rd.

Jon: Will Mrs. Harper get over it in time?  Seems like she sort of moved on already, no?

Alison: Do you really ever “get over” the death of someone close to you, even if you didn’t like them? She doesn’t seem to be terribly over anything, though. She almost seems to hate her current boyfriend.

Jon: Over someone doesn’t really exist.  You always hold the memories but in Mrs. Harper’s case, I think she’s past her feelings for Sam but lives with crippling PTSD that prevents her from being with the perfectly kind Deputy Burke.  How wonderful would it be to have an apartment that was lit up all night by a flashing deli neon sign?

Alison: At a certain age it would probably be awesome. But not for a 50-year-old Korean War vet. That blinking is liable to set off some sort of PTSD stuff.

Jon: With my sleeping issues, I cannot imagine anything worse than a neon sign of a closed business flashing in my bedroom all night.  Best Isaac Hayes role of the 90s?

Alison: I would say yes, but there was South Park. 

Jon: Blows South Park away.  I’ll go even further- this is a Top 3 role for Isaac Hayes trailing only Truck Turner and Gandolph Fitch in The Rockford Files.

Alison: Is allowing your abusive dead husband to be buried in your town really “the right thing to do”?

Jon: Yes it’s the right thing to do but I doubt I’d do it.  Is Jody a bad student and has to go to summer school or does Twin Rivers have a strange school calendar?

Alison: I did not even catch that, but yes, that must be summer school. Does Jody need a swift kick in the ass?

Jon: He needs more than a kick in the ass.  Strangely, I think many people would say he needs the discipline of military school.  Did anyone really fight in Grenada?

Alison: I don’t know anything about Grenada other than some asshole I used to know went there on vacation once. 

Jon: 19 Americans were killed in Grenada during the invasion.  That’s more than I thought.

Alison: Is it weird that they cast the dude who ended up doing solid George W. Bush impersonations a few years later as the teacher?

Jon: Not really especially considering the character he played in Uncle Sam.  Do you want to smack Choady? 

Alison: See above. Yes, yes I do.

Jon: Was Sam really the only one around there that did anything important or does Choady just have a hard on for killing people?

Alison: Choady is the least likable child I have ever encountered in a film.

Jon: I feel like that is a challenge to find even more unlikeable kids in movies.  Is there a special level of hell for the military man who volunteers to tell families that their loved one is dead so he can try to fuck the wife?

Alison: Yes, most definitely. I believe it’s level 14. Whyyyyyyyyy are they bringing the casket INTO THEIR HOUSE? Like, I know that’s a traditional thing to do but even when the dead body is all crispy and gross??

Jon: I assume that they don’t know how crispy Sam is.  Does Choady need to chill a little?

Alison: Choady needs to be shaken within an inch of his life — oh sorry, I really don't like him.

Jon: Does Ralph have any sense of timing?

Alison: Ralph is the only character in this movie that suddenly made me like Choady for a moment. Ralph can also go suck dicks, though.

Jon: I expected you would love Ralph considering how often the sleazy attorney is your favorite character.  Are there no funeral homes in Twin Rivers?

Alison: There may not be. I don't understand why they would otherwise accept having baked Alaska corpse in their house.

Jon: Is Choady a smart boy?

Alison: Choady is a fucking asshole and I hope he gets hit by a truck.

Jon: You clearly weren’t friends with many boys when you were a kid.  Choady is only slightly more obnoxious than average.  Does Choady have any sense of what a hero is?

Alison: Not at all. He has that tainted view of heroism that the screenwriter uses as a plot point for the anti-war theme. Is Isaac Hayes ‘bout to smack the aspirations outta Choady?

Jon: Isaac Hayes wouldn’t smack a child but he damn sure wanted to shoot Choady with a cannon.  Why does Sam stick the medals on his flesh and not on the jacket?

Alison: Sam is an edgy, pain-loving zombie veteran. How does the cripsy, tangy pungent aroma of flambeed Sam not wake Choady and his mom up?

Jon: Charred Sam releases a powerful neurotoxin that works on the olfactory nerves to dull one’s ability to smell cooked corpses.  Which Uncle Sam is creepier- the dead one or the one on stilts?

Alison: I had the EXACT same question written. That stilt thing is fucking creepy as fuck. Are graveyard partyers/desecrators a special kind of stupid?

Jon: I think there’s a difference.  Getting drunk and partying in a cemetery is a little disrespectful but also creepy as fuck.  Desecration is near the 14th level of hell with the messenger who tries to bang the widows.  Do you like parades?

Alison: I loathe a parade. Strangely, one of my favorite things as a kid was the neighborhood Fourth of July parade. But now there’s just too many people and loud noises, so I hate them.

Jon: Was the Cronin kid’s fireworks accident a factory explosion?

Alison: Yeah that kid got FUCKED up. Is Mrs. Cronin an insufferable twat?

Jon: Watch your mouth.  That’s P.J. Soles.  She’s also not really a twat.  She’s overly protective of Barry and rightfully so.  The kid nearly got blown up.  Could the prize for winning the potato sack race be that good?

Alison: Nope. I was going to ask you, are potato sack races vastly overrated?

Jon: I want to say yes they’re very overrated but then again are they even rated at all?  Potato sack races have never been cool or exciting.  They’re just a way to get burlap burns and broken bones.  So Sam was an asshole before he died too?

Alison: A very, very big one at that.

Jon: How big an asshole is Choady?

Alison: I’m guessing potentially as big an asshole as Sam.  So this dude dressed as Uncle Sam is holding a kid by the face in broad daylight in the park in front of hundreds of other people and nobody notices?

Jon: I think after the initial shock of seeing Barry and his injuries, people probably intentionally avoided looking at him making it possible for Uncle Sam to touch him.  Did you want Congressman Cummings to start talking about Jerry Orbach and a TV show or just law and order? 

Alison: BUMBUM. Then his speech starts. Ha! I don’t want to hear about law and order from anyone, the show or the concept. Should Choady really “run along” when there’s clearly a murderer on the loose?

Jon: Clearly they were hoping Choady would run into the killer.  So Uncle Sam was a wife beater and rapist?

Alison: Yes. He is a piece of poop. Well, now he’s crispy poop. Wow, these people really like leaving kids alone outside when they’re searching for a serial killer don’t they?

Jon: Is Sam really a serial killer?  I thought he was more of a spree killer.  Did the fireworks accident give the Cronin kid telekinetic powers?

Alison: Seems like. Are they really not going to have a repeat of last year’s tragic accident?

Jon: Apparently they are, only this year seems less accidental.  Does Jed need a new flint or fluid for his lighter?

Alison: Apparently. Hey Jon, glasses or no glasses? 

Jon: If you need them to see, then glasses.  If you’re wearing them as a fashion statement, then get fucked.

Alison: Is it a good idea to hand a clearly traumatized woman a loaded gun and tell her to not hesitate to use it?

Jon: I think this is the one time it’s a good idea.  You know she’ll shoot Sam on sight.  Do you think they had good homeowners' insurance?

Alison: I sure hope so. Do you have as little hope for Choady’s mental health as I do?

Jon: No he’ll be fine.  What could possibly go wrong after the uncle you worshipped comes back from the dead all burned to shit and tries to kill everyone you know?  That’s right -- nothing.

Lessons

Hide dead bodies in graves.

Don’t cheat in a potato sack race.