Happy National Bath Safety Month

 January is National Bath Safety Month!  While there are many unsafe bath scenes in horror movies that would have fit, we went a little off.  There are no baths in Lake Placid so to speak though you could bathe in a lake.  Lake Placid does have Betty White so this was as much a tribute movie.  So take a bath but not with giant crocodiles and enjoy Lake Placid.

Questions

JON:  Does Sheriff Hank Keough look like he’s made of Twinkies?

SANDY:  Oooo! Like a Twinkie piñata??!!?! The question really is, would he be filled with whole wrapped Twinkies, or would he just be filled with loose mashed up Twinkies? Would you eat Twinkies that came out of a living human piñata? (If they were wrapped.)

JON:  I already have so I might as well do it again.  Is it weird seeing Mariska Hargitay as anything other than a cop?

SANDY:  I don’t watch any of those cop shows, so I had to look up who that was to figure out who the fuck you were referring to. So, no. Ha! Is it me, or did it not seem quite right that her “friend” went to talk to Kelly immediately after Kevin broke up with her, only to tell her that this friend was the reason Kevin was breaking up with her in the first place? That was confusingly worded, but you get the drift.

JON:  That was super slimy.  You can't bang your friend’s partner even if you used to date said partner until they’ve broken up and then you don’t go brag about it immediately after they break up.  When someone says “The heart wants what the heart wants,” how much does your heart want to punch them in the mouth?

SANDY:  I generally consider myself a pretty chill person, but I think hearing that line of bullshit especially in that scenario would immediately make my heart would want to rip theirs out and crush it to dust. What is your top favorite line from this movie? I’ll accept a top 3, because there are SO many great lines in it.

JON:  “If I had a dick, this is where I’d tell you to suck it.”  “Thank you Officer Fuck-Meat.”  “I’m rooting for the crocodile.  I hope he swallows your friends whole.  You might want to arrest me for that too.  Is that a crime?  To wish the chewing of law enforcement?”  Basically any of Mrs. Bickerman’s lines.  Who would want to sleep with Kevin anyway?

SANDY:  Well, apparently at least 2 fictional women. Maybe if you put a bag over his head to cover those stupid asshole facial expressions and also somehow muted him so you couldn’t hear his stupid asshole words. Why is everyone so mean to Sheriff Twinkie? 

JON:  He starts out as kind of a lecherous asshole so that’s probably part of it.  If you say you aren’t going to Maine, why did you go to Maine?

SANDY:  To keep her job I’d presume, though I’d be looking to get the fuck out of that job anyway at that point. Do they really dive under low visibility water to tag beavers? Beavers go on land sometimes, why wouldn’t you just do that shit on land in the first place?

JON:  I’m no beaver scientist but I am an avid fan.  You tag the beavers in the water because you can get into their lodges and just tag a whole bunch of beavers at one time.  Sometimes you can even pet the beaver.  Can Kelly really handle dead men?

SANDY:  Kelly can’t handle dead men, mosquitos, ticks, worms, timber and many other things apparently. Imagine having to drive that boat back to shore with half a dude in it??? Not enough Twinkies in the world to help a fella forget that shit.

JON:  In the words of Stone Temple Pilots he’s “half the man he used to be.”  Why does he have to supersede?

SANDY:  If he hadn’t superseded they might all just be staring at young girls’ asses and eating prepackaged baked goodies, instead of trying to figure out what was going on at that lake. What was he superseding about again? Something about Kelly being allowed to join them at the lake? Which she did anyway, sooooo….. Does Bill Pullman ever not play a semi-clueless permanently smirking boyish love interest?

JON:  Yes sometimes he plays the smirking boyish alien killing president.  Do you believe that Delores Bickerman killed her husband out of compassion and buried him?

SANDY:  No, but I love how matter of factly she happily states that she killed her husband. How could no one else live around that lake other than Delores and her now dead hubby? That’s a pretty big lake and waterfront property is always desirable. I’m not buying it. 

JON:  Well there didn’t seem to be many roads and probably limited electricity and maybe locals knew there were crocodiles in that lake.  How much did you want to feed Kelly to the crocodile?

SANDY:  Kelly was fully obnoxious but it was fun to watch her get thrown into the water over and over and over again. Which character do you think you’d play if you were in this movie?

JON: Sigh I’d be cast as Sheriff Hank Keough.  We are similarly built and share a love of Twinkies. Why would you go on the water in little canoes when you suspect there is a giant crocodile in the lake?

SANDY:  I have this EXACT QUESTION in my notes. Even if you didn’t have any idea of what might be in the lake, it already bit a man in half and decapitated a moose, so….. Aside from the little canoes, they DOVE again and then even tried to follow what they thought was a crocodile tail!!! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY???

JON:  If you catch a crocodile by the tail, it has to give you its gold.  I think.  Is Hector an asshole?

SANDY:  Oliver Platt... Muthafukkin’ brilliant in this movie. He is a bit of an asshole, but I fucking love him. Betty White too, of course. All around, I’d say the entire cast was pretty perfect. AND HE SAYS BALLS LIKE I DO WHICH MAKES ME WONDER IF SEEING THIS MOVIE WHEN IT FIRST CAME OUT IS WHERE I GOT THE SAYING FROM???? SO. MANY. RIDICULOUS. LINES. Do you think Hector is “a mental”? Am I? Is everyone in our friend group?

JON:  Yes, yes and yes.  Does Kelly have a thing about everything?

SANDY:  Kelly seems to be a very anxious person in general. I think the city must have been getting to her, possibly dating that fucking dry toast excuse of a person did it too. Did you feel like calling bullshit when Kelly talked about spending time with her grandparents at their lake house based on her apparent distaste for all of nature?

JON:  Not necessarily.  She was probably the one that complained the entire time occasionally stopping to bitch and moan.  Was that an abnormally large toe?

SANDY:  That’s another question I had in my notes. I have stubby little children’s toes so I thought maybe I wasn’t the best person to reference on toe size, but if you also think it seemed ridiculous, then I feel vindicated. When Jack told Kelly she wasn’t going back in the water, did you stop and think to yourself, “CROCODILES CAN ALSO GO ON LAND, FUCKFACE”? (Or fuckmeat, if you will.)

JON:  I don’t know if that was solely out of concern that she’d get eaten.  I bet he was tired of fishing her out of the water.  These cops didn’t seem to be taking this very seriously did they?

SANDY:  It actually seemed like most of them were just kind of hanging out. Maybe there wasn’t enough in the budget to pay for any more speaking parts. They blew it all on Betty. WORTH IT. IS wishing for the chewing of law enforcement a crime?

JON:  Not yet but in the year 2125, when giant octopus from Cephalopodania are attempting to conquer earth and Twinkie eating cops are the last line of defense.  Would you chew the bark off Hector’s big fat log?

SANDY:  Maybe. He is pretty funny. And it has been a little while. Suspending a cow from a helicopter to lure a giant crocodile randomly in Maine into the trap of being drugged and brought to Florida… foolproof plan concocted by Maine’s best and brightest, or actual headline from a Florida newspaper?

JON:  100% a future Florida Man headline.  How many times is Kelly going to fall into the lake?

SANDY:  Not anywhere near enough. She can’t really seem to stay in any vehicle actually. Is Kelly a champion breath-holder though? How long was she stuck under the water for? And would you want “to stay behind and say goodbye to the lake” after all of that??

JON:  She was New York State breath-holding champion in 1988.  She had no intention of saying goodbye to the lake.  She was hoping for some sweet loving by the lake.  How much sooner would you have punched Hector?

SANDY:  As the sheriff? When he called the sheriff fat right as he first got there. Pretty sure Hector was rounder than Sheriff Twinkie. What would it take to get you to punch someone now?

JON:  Not very much.  At what point would you say “Fuck it.  Let’s leave the crocodile alone?”

SANDY:  Maybe when it bit that dude’s head off on the boat? Definitely when I saw it take that bear down. HOW FUCKING SAD WERE YOU FOR THAT CGI BEAR THOUGH???

JON:  That bear looked like it instantly deflated as soon as the crocodile bit it.  It went from shitty 90s CGI to rug in front of the fireplace in .06 seconds.  Is it really his lake now?

SANDY:  You sexist fuck. How do you tell if a crocodile is male or female? (And don’t blame it on Betty White either). Seriously, I don’t know and I’m too tired and lazy to look it up.

JON:  Betty White called it a "he" so that’s how you know.  Now that she’s dead, we will never be able to differentiate the sex of crocodiles.  Do you care about Hector’s feelings?

SANDY:  I want to say not even a little bit, but I did actually feel a little bit bad for him. 

JON:  At any point did you think “You know what would make this movie better?  Giant anacondas!” Because someone did.

SANDY:  Ha! No, though I do feel like similar versions of this movie exist in abundance. What oversized man eating creature movie do you want to see made that hasn’t been made already?

JON:  That’s tough because so many of them exist.  How about giraffes?  Should you ever have the feeling that everything is totally safe?

SANDY:  Not if you’re paying attention. And definitely not if you’re in a movie where people are getting killed by some giant thing. 

JON:  Would you want to drive behind a truck hauling a giant crocodile?

SANDY:  No thank you. I get myself close to a panic attack every time I’m behind someone with lumber sticking out of the back of their truck, just imagining a scenario where they hit a good bump and a 2’ x 4’ rockets through my windshield, impaling me against my seat. Do you have a go-to, not-impossible but fairly unlikely imaginary death scenario in certain repeated driving scenarios? Or should I increase my video therapy sessions?

Jon:  Nothing that elaborate, just sometimes that I’ll doze off and drive off a cliff.

 

Lessons

Always make appropriate boat size choices based on your task.

Don’t swim with crocodiles.

Resolutions!!!

 It’s the first week of January which means it’s Diet Resolution Week and New Year’s Resolution Week.  Do we really need a week to make resolutions that we’ve probably already broken?  Of course not, but it gave us an excuse to watch Death Spa.  Released in 1988, Death Spa is the story of a widowed health spa owner whose spa may be haunted by the ghost of his dead wife.  All manner of workout equipment malfunctions await! So put down that pizza, go to the gym, read this blog and watch Death Spa.

JON:   Did you make any New Year’s Resolutions?

SANDY:   No, why start the year off setting myself up for disappointment? How about you?

JON:   Nope.  Aside from the certain disappointment of breaking my resolutions, if I need to change something there’s no need to wait for the start of a year to do it.  Ever go to a Heath Spa?

SANDY:   Fuck no. Though, I’d call that place more of a gym than any kind of spa. I have an image in my head of going to a spa to relax and get massaged and steamed and not have to expend any energy other than whatever it took to get you into the actual place. Is it false advertising to call your gym a “health spa”, or is it actually a brilliant redirection?

JON:   I think it's a brilliant redirection although I tink in the 80s gym and health spa may have been interchangeable.  Does a lightning strike ever not possess something?

SANDY:   Not in a horror film. Or a sci-fi one for that matter. Or a superhero one sometimes? I’m going with not in movies overall. Lightning strikes in movies always possess/cause some other worldly power.  Was that actress’ name Brenda Bukakke?

JON:   She only goes by Brenda Bukakke when she does Japanese films, otherwise it's Brenda Bakke.  Do you dance around your apartment like that?

SANDY:   I will as soon as it’s all completely cleaned and organized and there are no more boxes on the ground for me to trip over. If I fall and break my leg while I’m living here I’ll have a third floor crawl-up. How about all of those pop-art gym equipment seats/stations in there?? Yassssss.

JON:   If you break your leg again, you’ll need a ground floor cardboard box.  You aren’t crawling up those stairs.  The equipment is pretty cool though.  Ken Foree!!!!!!!!

SANDY:   I fucking love Ken Foree.

JON:   Is the doctor being paged always Dr. Davis?

SANDY:   All I can think of when I try to remember hearing a doctor being paged is “paging Mr. Herman to the front desk”, which is from Pee Wee’s Big Adventure and also has nothing to do with any type of doctor. So…. I’m not sure? Did you notice the sound guy’s name was Ron Hitchcock?? I’m not going to research it because I’m feeling LAZY, but do you think there’s any relation? And if so, do you think that’s why they hired him?

JON:   No relation.  I looked it up.  Ron Hitchcock did, however, do sound for the shitty 1990 Captain America movie.  Laura is wrapped in gauze.  How could it not be as bad as it looks?

SANDY:   Laura is naked in a hospital bed with a single layer of gauze gently laying on top of her. It really seemed more like she was just chillin’ to me. If you were already overheated and covered in sweat from a late night solo dance-off, would your first go-to afterwards be the fucking sweat-inducing steam room??

JON:   Supposedly there are numerous benefits to doing that but I do not like steam rooms.  How much would you pay to be a member of this spa?

SANDY:   I’d pay more to not be a member. I might actually sue them for calling it a spa when it’s clearly just another fucking gym/dancehall. Was the music while Michael was driving thru red lights on his way to the hospital what clued you in to his absolute 80’s badassery, or was it his semi-curly puff mullet that did it?

JON:   Both.  I particularly liked the scene later on when he was wearing his 80s jacket with no shirt under it.  What is Ken Foree wearing?

SANDY:   KEN FOREE CAN WEAR WHATEVER THE FUCK HE WANTS, JON. IN ALL SERIOUSNESS THOUGH, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT WAS. I’M ANSWERING THIS QUESTION IN ALL CAPS LIKE HOW MY DAD TYPES EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME. HE ALSO SPEAKS AT A VOLUME THAT SUGGESTS HIS INTERNAL DIALOGUE IS IN ALL CAPS AS WELL. Would you wear clothing from a line designed by Ken Foree’s character in this movie? I would, Jon. I’d wear the shit out of it.

JON:   No but I’d wear the shit out of his Dawn of the Dead line.  Did you see Ron Selleck doing curls?

SANDY:   Ha! Did you see Hilary from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air in there?? 

JON:   I did!  There were quite a few cast members who looked like more famous people and also a large number who looked alike.  Did she say carrot coffee?  That would make me vomit.

SANDY:   I think she said carob coffee, which might also make you vomit, but supposedly it’s naturally sweet so maybe not? How fucking dirty looking was that hospital? Would you want to be treated there if you had a choice?

JON:   There’s no hospital I would want to be in by choice but that one was especially grimy.  If you hired an attorney, would you listen to him?

SANDY:   Well, I guess that would depend on what he was suggesting. If it was law-related stuff that didn’t sound too fishy, maybe. But if he’s suggesting I keep my business open until after a party when people have been consistently getting injured one after another, I’d tell him to go eat a dick. Did it seem like that chick jumped on that diving board an awful lot of times before it collapsed? How many times do people usually jump on a diving board before making their final leap into the water?

JON:   She definitely seemed to be trying to break the board all on her own.  There is no way people jump on the diving board that many times before they actually dive.  Should you play pranks with a blender?

SANDY:   That’s a hard no for me. I get nervous dropping stuff into a blender from high above when it’s not even on. I feel like that’s just asking for trouble. What’s the most dangerous/risky prank you’ve ever played on someone?

JON:   This may come as a surprise but I don’t think I’ve ever pulled a particularly dangerous prank.  Damaging for sure but nothing that would have resulted in serious injury.  If you joined the Starbody Health Spa, how many minutes would it take for you to quit?

SANDY:   The second I walked in and realized it was a fucking gym and not a spa, I’d be out of there. Is “I gotta tell my wife to start smoking in bed” an appropriate response when you find out someone else’s wife died by burning to death?

JON:   Well, I bought Alison a set of bed only lighters so that seems reasonable.  Is “Just watch yourself or you’re going to need medical attention” an effective threat?

SANDY:   I think in that particular scenario it made some sense. If I had heard it out of context though, I might have thought it was someone warning a person with high cholesterol about eating too much bacon or something. What is “I’m Beta, you’re VHS” supposed to mean? I still have some VHS tapes. No player though…

JON:   I took it to mean that they’re incompatible like Beta and VHS but it could also have meant that one of us will be successful and the other obsolete in 5 minutes.  Why did those women stay in the malfunctioning shower for so long?

SANDY:   Chicks like titty parties too, Jon. Honestly, it’s probably because they knew how cold they’d all be once they stepped out of that water. Why the fuck would anyone still be using any part of that facility at that point? You know what, I’m leaving that question, but as I was typing it I realized how fucking stupid so many people seem to be and it’s absolutely plausible.

JON:   Yeah you answered your own question there.  Would you take 3 free months from this spa?

SANDY:   Fuck no. I also wouldn’t take an implied dicking from mullet-man. Would you ever feel comfortable working out at a GYM that had totally computerized equipment? I know the computer wasn’t responsible for the malfunctions in the end, but still. 

JON:   Nope but I probably wouldn’t join any gym or spa at this point.  How did he get both arms strapped to the machine on his own?

SANDY:   They were loops he slid his hands into, but he was too stupid to figure out how to remove them once it went wacky. Are we supposed to believe that his body was so tight, that some minor pressure back on his arms caused his entire middle to explode? I feel like that’s a good reason to stay at least a little bit fluffy.

JON:   That’s an anatomical fact.  Any amount of pressure on your back can cause you to explode.  Is “sure beats hospital food” a compliment?

SANDY:   I mean, I guess? Unless you’re the hospital chef. Would you want a sensual dinner your first night home from the hospital, while your eyes were still completely gauzed over or would you want to, oh I don’t know, fucking REST?

JON:   I absolutely want a sensual dinner.  Especially if someone feeds me.  I can’t see so put food in my mouth.  Are there recognizable ashes?

SANDY:   I do believe there have been times where something burned so quickly the ashes were kind of left in the shape of the thing they started out as. Like in Interview With A Vampire. “Don’t worry about me, I’ll get out”, is it ever a legitimate proclamation or always a self-imposed death sentence?

JON:    Always a death sentence.  David is a liar.  Are you remotely surprised?

SANDY:   No, that dude was a super creep from the first moment he appeared on screen. I’d have been far more surprised to find out he was honest. Were you as baffled as I was when Michael took Laura back to the “spa” so soon while her eyes were still completely bandaged, immediately walked her straight into a bench, then left her alone in the locker room while he went galavanting around the building?

JON:   Not really that seemed completely on brand for a guy who would open a computer operated health spa and wear jackets with no shirt underneath.  Did Lido Moray, the paranormal investigator, bite off more than he can chew?

SANDY:   Oh man, that poor dude. You’d think, as a paranormal investigator, that he might have been more prepared than he was. Was it his first time trying paranormal investigation ever? In that one scene, did it sound like spirit Catherine and David were fucking to you? I think she was “possessing” him, but it sure sounded like a weird orgasm to me. 

JON:   Yeah I just assumed it was some weird supernatural incest thing.  If you hired an attorney, do you expect him to sabotage you?

SANDY:   Because lawyers will argue for or against sides they don’t even personally agree with based on who is paying them, yes. I would expect sabotage potentially from any lawyer I hired. Hope I don’t ever need one! (And if I do, I hope they never read this blog.) What do you think the likeliest reason I’d ever need to hire a lawyer would be?

JON:   Murdering a yuppie in an antique store.  Has anyone dealt with Catherine’s death?

SANDY:   Not really. It kind of seems like everyone’s just saying “it was a year ago” as if that’s that. It seems like something anyone that had ever met her might want to go to counseling for though. She burned herself to death??? Fuck. The basement chick… why didn’t she cover herself or hide in that closet? Also, was she still alive when the paranormal investigator found her down there????

JON:   She was not terribly intelligent and when Lido found her she wasn’t quite dead and no more intelligent.  6 feet tall and 135 pounds???????

SANDY:   That’s only slightly lighter than Max was when I first met him. What the fuck did David do at Michael’s house if he didn’t hurt Laura or even carry the bag of groceries to the kitchen for her?? Did I miss something?

JON:   I think he came to kill her but still had enough of himself left to not kill her but be really creepy.  Does a spa need to hold a Mardi Gras night?

SANDY:   Definitely not. Especially when so many accidents and injuries have been happening every goddamn fucking day. Laura was sleeping facedown on that couch with her bandaged eyeballs mashed directly against the cushion, right?

JON:   Cushion pressure is known to alleviate eye pain.  Do bimbos go crazy for garlic and pepperoni breath?

SANDY:   I don’t know, go ask your mom. Does Catherine seem like a total fucking loon? I know we only see the spirit version of her here, but keeping in mind the way she killed herself, I think a very strong case can be made for severe mental illness in life and death.

JON:   My mom said 80s bimbos did indeed go crazy for pepperoni and garlic breath.  Catherine was a total loon in life and even loonier as a spirit.  Would you have trusted Pirate Don Stamos to guard the computers?

SANDY:   Ha! I do love a man dressed as a pirate. What would you do if you were kissing someone and part of their face exploded out at you?

JON:   Keep on smooching.  Your eyes should be closed when you’re kissing so you wouldn’t even know unless you’re the kind of creep who kisses with your eyes open.   David is extremely well adjusted huh?

SANDY:   Well, his batshit twin sister keeps taking over his body, on top of whatever mental “twin connection” they shared, so yeah that fucker never really had a chance. Don’t you feel like David would be the most interesting person to have a conversation with out of everyone in that movie though, if Ken Foree’s character wasn’t available to speak to?

JON:   Interesting in an I like to study lunatics kind of way but after the 600th time he brought up his dead sister, I’d have to bail.  Did Michael run into some of those people on purpose?

SANDY:   I didn’t catch on to him running into a lot of people, but I’m going to go ahead and say yes anyway. He seemed like a douche in general. Why did everyone keep partying after that person went flying through the glass? And why didn’t they break the glass on the front doors right away instead of smushing themselves against it in their panic to escape??

JON:   It’s a Mardi Gras party.  Some glass has to be broken but the front doors were bullet proof and unbreakable.  Fuck this computer shit?

SANDY:   One of the best lines in the movie, for sure. What kind of fish was that?

JON:  I think it was a gar or maybe a sturgeon.  Either way it was definitely not a good eating fish.

 

Lessons

Don’t strap yourself into workout equipment.

Kiss with your eyes closed, weirdo.