Happy National Bath Safety Month

 January is National Bath Safety Month!  While there are many unsafe bath scenes in horror movies that would have fit, we went a little off.  There are no baths in Lake Placid so to speak though you could bathe in a lake.  Lake Placid does have Betty White so this was as much a tribute movie.  So take a bath but not with giant crocodiles and enjoy Lake Placid.

Questions

JON:  Does Sheriff Hank Keough look like he’s made of Twinkies?

SANDY:  Oooo! Like a Twinkie piñata??!!?! The question really is, would he be filled with whole wrapped Twinkies, or would he just be filled with loose mashed up Twinkies? Would you eat Twinkies that came out of a living human piñata? (If they were wrapped.)

JON:  I already have so I might as well do it again.  Is it weird seeing Mariska Hargitay as anything other than a cop?

SANDY:  I don’t watch any of those cop shows, so I had to look up who that was to figure out who the fuck you were referring to. So, no. Ha! Is it me, or did it not seem quite right that her “friend” went to talk to Kelly immediately after Kevin broke up with her, only to tell her that this friend was the reason Kevin was breaking up with her in the first place? That was confusingly worded, but you get the drift.

JON:  That was super slimy.  You can't bang your friend’s partner even if you used to date said partner until they’ve broken up and then you don’t go brag about it immediately after they break up.  When someone says “The heart wants what the heart wants,” how much does your heart want to punch them in the mouth?

SANDY:  I generally consider myself a pretty chill person, but I think hearing that line of bullshit especially in that scenario would immediately make my heart would want to rip theirs out and crush it to dust. What is your top favorite line from this movie? I’ll accept a top 3, because there are SO many great lines in it.

JON:  “If I had a dick, this is where I’d tell you to suck it.”  “Thank you Officer Fuck-Meat.”  “I’m rooting for the crocodile.  I hope he swallows your friends whole.  You might want to arrest me for that too.  Is that a crime?  To wish the chewing of law enforcement?”  Basically any of Mrs. Bickerman’s lines.  Who would want to sleep with Kevin anyway?

SANDY:  Well, apparently at least 2 fictional women. Maybe if you put a bag over his head to cover those stupid asshole facial expressions and also somehow muted him so you couldn’t hear his stupid asshole words. Why is everyone so mean to Sheriff Twinkie? 

JON:  He starts out as kind of a lecherous asshole so that’s probably part of it.  If you say you aren’t going to Maine, why did you go to Maine?

SANDY:  To keep her job I’d presume, though I’d be looking to get the fuck out of that job anyway at that point. Do they really dive under low visibility water to tag beavers? Beavers go on land sometimes, why wouldn’t you just do that shit on land in the first place?

JON:  I’m no beaver scientist but I am an avid fan.  You tag the beavers in the water because you can get into their lodges and just tag a whole bunch of beavers at one time.  Sometimes you can even pet the beaver.  Can Kelly really handle dead men?

SANDY:  Kelly can’t handle dead men, mosquitos, ticks, worms, timber and many other things apparently. Imagine having to drive that boat back to shore with half a dude in it??? Not enough Twinkies in the world to help a fella forget that shit.

JON:  In the words of Stone Temple Pilots he’s “half the man he used to be.”  Why does he have to supersede?

SANDY:  If he hadn’t superseded they might all just be staring at young girls’ asses and eating prepackaged baked goodies, instead of trying to figure out what was going on at that lake. What was he superseding about again? Something about Kelly being allowed to join them at the lake? Which she did anyway, sooooo….. Does Bill Pullman ever not play a semi-clueless permanently smirking boyish love interest?

JON:  Yes sometimes he plays the smirking boyish alien killing president.  Do you believe that Delores Bickerman killed her husband out of compassion and buried him?

SANDY:  No, but I love how matter of factly she happily states that she killed her husband. How could no one else live around that lake other than Delores and her now dead hubby? That’s a pretty big lake and waterfront property is always desirable. I’m not buying it. 

JON:  Well there didn’t seem to be many roads and probably limited electricity and maybe locals knew there were crocodiles in that lake.  How much did you want to feed Kelly to the crocodile?

SANDY:  Kelly was fully obnoxious but it was fun to watch her get thrown into the water over and over and over again. Which character do you think you’d play if you were in this movie?

JON: Sigh I’d be cast as Sheriff Hank Keough.  We are similarly built and share a love of Twinkies. Why would you go on the water in little canoes when you suspect there is a giant crocodile in the lake?

SANDY:  I have this EXACT QUESTION in my notes. Even if you didn’t have any idea of what might be in the lake, it already bit a man in half and decapitated a moose, so….. Aside from the little canoes, they DOVE again and then even tried to follow what they thought was a crocodile tail!!! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY???

JON:  If you catch a crocodile by the tail, it has to give you its gold.  I think.  Is Hector an asshole?

SANDY:  Oliver Platt... Muthafukkin’ brilliant in this movie. He is a bit of an asshole, but I fucking love him. Betty White too, of course. All around, I’d say the entire cast was pretty perfect. AND HE SAYS BALLS LIKE I DO WHICH MAKES ME WONDER IF SEEING THIS MOVIE WHEN IT FIRST CAME OUT IS WHERE I GOT THE SAYING FROM???? SO. MANY. RIDICULOUS. LINES. Do you think Hector is “a mental”? Am I? Is everyone in our friend group?

JON:  Yes, yes and yes.  Does Kelly have a thing about everything?

SANDY:  Kelly seems to be a very anxious person in general. I think the city must have been getting to her, possibly dating that fucking dry toast excuse of a person did it too. Did you feel like calling bullshit when Kelly talked about spending time with her grandparents at their lake house based on her apparent distaste for all of nature?

JON:  Not necessarily.  She was probably the one that complained the entire time occasionally stopping to bitch and moan.  Was that an abnormally large toe?

SANDY:  That’s another question I had in my notes. I have stubby little children’s toes so I thought maybe I wasn’t the best person to reference on toe size, but if you also think it seemed ridiculous, then I feel vindicated. When Jack told Kelly she wasn’t going back in the water, did you stop and think to yourself, “CROCODILES CAN ALSO GO ON LAND, FUCKFACE”? (Or fuckmeat, if you will.)

JON:  I don’t know if that was solely out of concern that she’d get eaten.  I bet he was tired of fishing her out of the water.  These cops didn’t seem to be taking this very seriously did they?

SANDY:  It actually seemed like most of them were just kind of hanging out. Maybe there wasn’t enough in the budget to pay for any more speaking parts. They blew it all on Betty. WORTH IT. IS wishing for the chewing of law enforcement a crime?

JON:  Not yet but in the year 2125, when giant octopus from Cephalopodania are attempting to conquer earth and Twinkie eating cops are the last line of defense.  Would you chew the bark off Hector’s big fat log?

SANDY:  Maybe. He is pretty funny. And it has been a little while. Suspending a cow from a helicopter to lure a giant crocodile randomly in Maine into the trap of being drugged and brought to Florida… foolproof plan concocted by Maine’s best and brightest, or actual headline from a Florida newspaper?

JON:  100% a future Florida Man headline.  How many times is Kelly going to fall into the lake?

SANDY:  Not anywhere near enough. She can’t really seem to stay in any vehicle actually. Is Kelly a champion breath-holder though? How long was she stuck under the water for? And would you want “to stay behind and say goodbye to the lake” after all of that??

JON:  She was New York State breath-holding champion in 1988.  She had no intention of saying goodbye to the lake.  She was hoping for some sweet loving by the lake.  How much sooner would you have punched Hector?

SANDY:  As the sheriff? When he called the sheriff fat right as he first got there. Pretty sure Hector was rounder than Sheriff Twinkie. What would it take to get you to punch someone now?

JON:  Not very much.  At what point would you say “Fuck it.  Let’s leave the crocodile alone?”

SANDY:  Maybe when it bit that dude’s head off on the boat? Definitely when I saw it take that bear down. HOW FUCKING SAD WERE YOU FOR THAT CGI BEAR THOUGH???

JON:  That bear looked like it instantly deflated as soon as the crocodile bit it.  It went from shitty 90s CGI to rug in front of the fireplace in .06 seconds.  Is it really his lake now?

SANDY:  You sexist fuck. How do you tell if a crocodile is male or female? (And don’t blame it on Betty White either). Seriously, I don’t know and I’m too tired and lazy to look it up.

JON:  Betty White called it a "he" so that’s how you know.  Now that she’s dead, we will never be able to differentiate the sex of crocodiles.  Do you care about Hector’s feelings?

SANDY:  I want to say not even a little bit, but I did actually feel a little bit bad for him. 

JON:  At any point did you think “You know what would make this movie better?  Giant anacondas!” Because someone did.

SANDY:  Ha! No, though I do feel like similar versions of this movie exist in abundance. What oversized man eating creature movie do you want to see made that hasn’t been made already?

JON:  That’s tough because so many of them exist.  How about giraffes?  Should you ever have the feeling that everything is totally safe?

SANDY:  Not if you’re paying attention. And definitely not if you’re in a movie where people are getting killed by some giant thing. 

JON:  Would you want to drive behind a truck hauling a giant crocodile?

SANDY:  No thank you. I get myself close to a panic attack every time I’m behind someone with lumber sticking out of the back of their truck, just imagining a scenario where they hit a good bump and a 2’ x 4’ rockets through my windshield, impaling me against my seat. Do you have a go-to, not-impossible but fairly unlikely imaginary death scenario in certain repeated driving scenarios? Or should I increase my video therapy sessions?

Jon:  Nothing that elaborate, just sometimes that I’ll doze off and drive off a cliff.

 

Lessons

Always make appropriate boat size choices based on your task.

Don’t swim with crocodiles.