National Road Trip Day!

 May 27th is National Road Trip Day.  It’s not a holiday I would normally celebrate on Memorial Day weekend with its increased traffic and annual long weekend gas price gouging.  I’ll take my road trips at a different time, so instead we celebrate with a movie.  In Splinter, Polly and Seth head out for a camping trip that is destined to be a disaster because Seth is about as skilled an outdoorsman as I am, which is to say, poor.  As they head back to civilization, their car is stopped by Dennis and Lacey who take them hostage.  As if being taken hostage by an interstate fugitive and his methy partner isn’t bad enough, at an isolated gas station they encounter a killer mutated porcupine-type monster.  Can they survive?  Is there anything redemptive in Dennis and Lacey?  Can you amputate an arm with a boxcutter?  Read the blog and watch Splinter for the answers to these and many other burning questions.

Questions

Jon: Does anything good ever happen at an out of the way gas station? 

Alison: It’s a stop on the way in many horror movies. This is one of the few I can think of that takes place entirely at a gas station. 

Jon: Or to a guy wearing an I Heart Bikinis hat?

Alison: Deciding to put that shirt on in the morning is a vote for disaster.  What does this guy think is in the woods? He’s “shoo-ing” it?

Jon: Probably any one of a number of small forest creatures or a stray cat.  Definitely not a mutated porcupine thing.  Does that guy look like he was made for camping? 

Alison: Ha! No. He looks like exactly what he says he’s doing - his doctorate. Sex in the woods, yea or nay?

Jon: I have very little interest in getting pine needles in my ass crack so no probably not.  How soon is too soon to complain about the bugs? 

Alison: It’s never too soon to start complaining, you know that about me.

Jon: Is she sure that SHE got the right pole?

Alison: News flash: it doesn't take two people to set up that tent. Have you ever been camping? I realized I may not know this.

Jon: I have been camping and I hated it mainly because of the toilet situation.  I have a hard enough time pooping in an unfamiliar toilet.  Imagine how bad that is in an outhouse or a hole.  Is it wise to throw all your stuff away?

Alison: We’ll get new stuff, Jon. And please do not ever tell me I’m your cowgirl. 

Jon: The glow of free cable TV or the stars?

Alison: The stars, for sure. Are these two remotely believable as a couple?

Jon: I think they are.  They’re just opposites but they work.  Does Seth suffer from CDS or do you think he’s cool with it?

Alison: He seems cool with the weird compendium of shit he does know how to do, so no likely not suffering.  

Jon: Does it seem like maybe Dennis has a touch of CDS himself? 

Alison: He is good at hijacking people, apparently. Is Dennis scary? He also reminds me of another more famous actor. WHO DOES HE REMIND ME OF?? It’s not Gary Sinise, but there’s another guy he looks like….

Jon: I would argue that he’s not very good at hijacking.  He gave a gun to a meth head.  He never really seemed to have any control over the situation.  How much more irresponsible does Dennis seem letting Lacey carry a gun? 

Alison: Pretty irresponsible. Is it just me or does everyone involved here immediately get Stockholm syndrome?

Jon: I don’t think they did.  Seth and Polly never really accepted anything.  They really only cooperated when they were under attack.  Do you believe luck actually changes? 

Alison: To me, luck means fate, so no. If you believe in fate.  Jon, is Ginger okay? Is Lacey okay? How weird is it that Lacey and Dennis are having this emotional experience in front of the people they just hijacked?

Jon: Considering she’s super methy it’s not that weird. If there is no employee at a gas station, do you leave and go to a different one? 

Alison: No. Actually, I was going to ask you, if you were in a store where there was clearly nobody around, would you take stuff?  Also, remember when gas was $3? How quaint.

Jon: Anything not nailed down and maybe a few things that were.  Would you be the one to taunt the guy with the gun?

Alison: Would, I Jon? Would I?

Jon: You would not.  If a Porcuman attacked and apparently killed me, would you leave the safety of a building to come cry over me?  The correct answer is no. 

Alison: PORCUMAN!! Genius. How amazing is Porcuman? Dennis clearly went into immediate shock in that scene. I have no idea what I would do in that situation but I might come cry over you. Sorry not sorry.

Jon: You can’t do that.  You have to be the heroine at that point and avenge my death.  Should they open the door?

Alison:No, no no. They actually need more doors.

Jon: Is Seth a complete idiot?

Alison: Absolutely have “how fucking stupid is Seth” right here in my notes.

Jon: Is this the 2nd best severed hand moment in a movie?

Alison: There’s no Bruce Campbell, so second at best. 

Jon: How would you react if my undead, parasite hosting body was bashing my head against a window relentlessly?

Alison: Wow, Lacey really wants  into that convenience store. Again, I really have no idea how I would react but SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS FOREVER comes to mind.

Jon: How fucked are you when the Porcuwoman tears the cop in half?

Alison: Quite fucked. Yeah that cop is not okay. Is “help can’t even help us” one of the best lines of all time? Is that a thing and I’ve just never heard it?

Jon: I love that line.  I can really relate to it.  Should Dennis chop his hand off?

Alison: Most definitely. We have watched enough horror movies to know that is exactly what you do in these situations. What was your most memorable trip to a convenience store, Jon? 

Jon: I used to spend a lot of time in convenience stores.  I had a friend who worked in one and I was trying to date a girl that worked in a different one.  There’s not one specific one that stands out but I definitely had fun.  Is this the time to mock Lacey?

Alison: That’s not Lacey, that was Lacey.

Jon: Would you get impatient enough to risk burning yourself alive that quickly?

Alison: Again, you know me, so probably.

Jon: Do you think Dennis and Polly just wanted to start a fire because they’re pyromaniacs?

Alison: I think Dennis has always wanted to set a forest fire. How fucked up is it that Polly just ignores and talks down to Seth in that moment? Also, how messed up is it that these two thought only a few hours ago that they’d be fucking in a tent right now?

Jon: Seth wasn’t offering any solutions in that moment.  He was only complaining about the only plan they had come up with so he kind of deserved it.  Fucking in tents is gross and only slightly better than being trapped in that convenience store.  Would you amputate your hand if it grew spikes?

Alison: I don’t know, are they fashion-forward  or parasitic? Is the diseased hand scampering across the floor just a liiiiiiittle bit adorable?

Jon: I guess it’s about as adorable as a parasitic, severed hand could be.  With a boxcutter? 

Alison: Given that whole scene it seems painful enough that you’d resort to that. “It’s okay, it’s okay we are cutting your arm off.” Oh good, that’s nice, thank you.

Jon: Did it hurt you when the boxcutter went into his arm? 

Alison: It was the cinder block that got me.

Jon: Nope it was the boxcutter that got me.  I felt that shit in my arm.  Could a boxcutter get through bone?

Alison: No.

Jon: Am I now obsessed with cutting arms off with boxcutters?

Alison: Gee, I hope so. How obviously tucked behind his back is Dennis’ actual arm?

Jon: Not at all since that actor, Shea Whigham, is so method that he actually let them cut his arm off for the movie.  Is lowering your body temperature like that really safe? 

Alison: Noooooooo. And where the hell are they that it’s 93 degrees out at night? Is that what I should do all summer? Tie bags of ice to myself?

Jon: It’s that hot here at night sometimes.  Please do not tie ice bags to your body.  I really don’t think I could take a whole summer of you alternating between complaining about how hot it is outside and how cold you are with the ice strapped to you.  Seriously, a boxcutter amputation?

Alison: Desperate times. 

Jon: Are all road trips this much fun or only when you encounter Meth Bonnie and Clyde?

Alison: Fun? I don’t think this is fun, but they certainly get attached to each other in a matter of hours.

Jon: How surprising is Dennis sacrificing himself? 

Alison: Not a lot. He is the cool badass in the movie, and that’s part of the trope. How badass is tossing and catching the rifle to continuously shoot as a modification when you have only one arm? 

Jon: It’s a pretty cool move but not as cool as replacing the arm with a chainsaw.  So their big escape plan involves walking?

Alison: Apparently. And fair enough on the chainsaw. How surprised are you that Seth survives? Maybe he’s not so stupid?

Jon: Seth was the smartest one of the bunch.  It was his plan that got them out of that convenience store.  He just wasn’t tough or much of an outdoorsman.  SEQUEL??????

Alison: Oh Ginger, you little scamp.

Lessons

Don’t stop for hitchhikers.

Listen to warnings.

Don’t hide wounds from your fellow survivors.