Happy Mother's Day!

 Happy Mother’s Day!  We probably shouldn’t need a day to celebrate the woman that carried you for 9 months to then spend the rest of her life caring for you.  Mother’s Day should be everyday but it isn’t so we’re celebrating mom our way- with a movie.  In Dead Alive, the roles become reversed.  When Lionel Cosgrove’s overbearing, meddling mother, Vera is bit by a Sumatran rat monkey while stalking Lionel on a date with Paquita.  Turns out, the rat monkey turns people into super bloated, pus filled zombies and dear old mum is becoming one.  How can Lionel navigate the consequences of having a zombie mum?  Spoiler- not well but you should still celebrate mom, read the blog and watch Dead Alive to find out.  

Questions

Jon: If someone has a bad feeling about something, should you stop doing it?

Sandy:  No. I’M AN ADULT AND I DO WHAT I WANT. Someone having a bad feeling about something doesn’t automatically mean it’s a terrible idea or that something awful will happen. It definitely did mean that in this movie though. For sure. Is this the goriest movie you’ve ever seen? If not, what movie was bloodier?

Jon: If we’re defining gore as only bloody, then this is probably it but if we add other elements then I can probably think of a few worse.  Like maybe the 1st 20 minutes of Saving Private Ryan and the entirety of Sleepless In Seattle.  If the angry natives tell you to release the monkey, should you?

Sandy:  That you should probably pay serious attention to. There are always repercussions to pillaging nature for capitalist gain. 

Jon: Would you take the field amputation or the monkey-borne zombie virus?

Sandy:  If I knew what the bite was going to do to me, I’d take the amputation or death. How about you?

Jon: I think I might take the zombie virus.  I think maybe I want to know what that’s like.  Does Paquita’s family kind of look like a Cyndi Lauper video?

Sandy:  After watching Girls Just Wanna Have Fun for research (and pleasure ‘cause Cindi Lauper is awesome), yes. What music video does your family look like?

Jon: We’re Not Gonna Take It by Twisted Sister.  Do fathers always worry about how much money their future son in laws have?

Sandy:  Probably? I’m not a father, but I’m sure they want to make certain their daughters aren’t marrying deadbeats or financial vampires. 

Jon: Do you think Lionel should be happy that his mom is treasurer elect of her club?

Sandy:  I don’t think Lionel has ever really experienced happiness at all.

Jon: Is Lionel the saddest of sad sacks?

Sandy:  Haha, refer to the answer above this.

Jon: Is Paquita a woman who knows what she wants or a woman who just follows what some tarot cards say?

Sandy:  Paquita is horny. REALLY horny. Worse than I am. Have you ever had your tarot cards read? 

Jon: Once.  There was a lot about me being successful, motivated and happy.  I don’t think it was very accurate.  Is that the ugliest monkey ever?

Sandy:  He looks like a hairless and super pissed off Splinter from TMNT. 

Raping monkeys?

Sandy:  As in monkeys that rape, or as in go rape a monkey? Monkeys do rape, I believe. But I’m not going to double check myself because I’m lazy. 

Jon: Does it surprise you that mom is stalking them?

Sandy:  I was more surprised she didn’t just walk right up to them and drag him away. How nosy was your mom about your romantic business growing up?

Jon: Not very but there also wasn’t a lot to be nosing into.  Is a monkey bite the correct punishment for not allowing your child to have a life?

Sandy:  I don’t know about “correct”, but it was very satisfying to witness. 

Jon: Is Lionel’s mom an awful person?

Sandy:  She is, but the empathetic side of me says she was probably super insecure and terrified of loneliness. That’s the side that always kept me sticking around in terrible relationships for years though, so I’m officially changing my answer to “fuck that gross twat”.

Jon: I think his mum will be ok, right?

Sandy: Yeah… sure…. She’ll be fine…

Jon: Oh she doesn’t look very good does she?

Sandy:  She never did, Jon. She never did.

Jon: That is a lie.  She was a damn sexy lady.  Some might say a MILF.  If a wound is pulsating should you try to treat it at home?

Sandy:  If your wound was acquired through the bite of a fucking rat monkey at the zoo, you shouldn’t try to treat it at home, period. What’s the worst injury you didn’t seek professional medical attention for?

Jon: Not necessarily an injury but I broke a tooth once and didn’t go to a dentist until the tooth broke 3 more times so it was basically a third of a tooth which made it very difficult to extract.  Or maybe the time I almost certainly tore ligaments in my thumb.  Still haven’t had that checked out.  Why is there a fat guy in the Ladies’ Welfare League?

Sandy:  All are welcome in the Ladies’ Welfare League, Jon. Don’t be a clicky bitch. 

Jon: Should the Mathesons see that something is wrong and excuse themselves?

Sandy:  I want to puke just thinking about that shit. Yes, the answer is yes. They should have left immediately.

Jon: Would you let your husband eat blood and pus filled custard?

Sandy:  Maybe. Depends on how obnoxious he was. I’ll bet Alison’s already fed you some questionable shit, you fucking fuck. Do people still eat custard?

Jon: I think so but not me.  How about an ear with your custard?

Sandy:  Nahhhhhh, I’m good. Lend me your ear and I’ll sing you a song, though. ~Let me just get these bagpipes out..~

Jon: I swear those bagpipes are going up your… If the mother of the man the tarot cards told you to love eats your dog, are the cards right?

Sandy:  I mean, maybe? The cards were about him, not his gross zombie mom.

Jon: How about if she tries to eat you?

Sandy:  Listen, HE still has potential.

Jon: Is this a job for a nurse?

Sandy:  Only if said nurse is also an infectious disease specialist. This one clearly was not. 

Jon: Does Lionel seem equipped to handle the death of his mother?

Sandy:  Lionel doesn’t “seem” equipped to handle much of anything, but he actually does a pretty good job of it in the end.

Jon: Want a nurse Pez dispenser?

Sandy:  Haha, yes? DON’T USE ALISON THOUGH. 

Jon: Oh huh well let me put this hatchet away.  Do you think sedatives would work on the undead?

Sandy:  I don’t. They shouldn’t have functional circulatory systems & I kind of feel like that’s essential for sedatives to work, but maybe I just don’t have a keen enough grasp on how sedatives work to begin with? 

Jon: I’m thinking blood flow is vital to sedatives function and I don’t believe zombies have a working circulatory system.  Didn’t he say he didn’t have tranquilizers?

Sandy:  He said he didn’t have sedatives, I think? Tranquilizers are for animals, sedatives are for humans? I don’t know, it seems the same to me.

Jon: Is the tarot card prediction of death and suffering around Lionel the first thing the cards got right?

Sandy:  I mean, didn’t they predict something wonky with the love thing they said about Paquita’s reading? I thought the grandma saw something after Paquita left to help the customer who ended up being Lionel? Or is that what you’re talking about?

Jon: Yep that’s what I’m talking about.  Her love would be surrounded by death.  How big of a cock block is Lionel’s mom?

Sandy:  I feel like she’s both a cock blocker and a cock limpener. Like, maybe he wouldn’t even want to fugg because she’s permanently disrupted blood flow to his peen by destroying his self confidence? Who’s been the biggest cock block of your life? (You can’t say yourself.)

Jon: I won’t name names but there was a woman who was into me who I had no interest in but she made sure everyone I was into came to believe that she and I were a thing.  Mortician malpractice?

Sandy:  What the fuck were they even doing in there? Also, was balancing the food on the corpse the next level of the horror of the “eating morticians” thing?

Jon: That’s the super jaded, veteran move.  They only do that near the end of their careers when they just don’t care anymore.  Are there not autopsies in New Zealand?

Sandy:  Maybe they just do them differently? Like counterclockwise? 

Jon: I don’t think that’s how that works.  Having seen mum and Uncle Les, is it at all surprising Lionel is a bit maladjusted?

Sandy:  I feel so badly for Lionel. We never get to meet his Dad, but it seems like everyone in his family is a total piece of shit. It’s miraculous he wasn’t more fucked up than he ended up being. How do you think Lionel’s dad ever got enough of a boner from that gross woman to fuck her and help make Lionel in the first place?

Jon: Viagra and alcohol.  Or fear.  Is there anything funnier in a movie than chaos at a funeral?

Sandy:  Yeah, a Pez dispenser nurse. Or a maniacally laughing zombie baby. Mowing down a crowd of zombies with an actual lawnmower. 

Jon: Is the reverend Leslie Nielsen’s brother Wesley?

Sandy:  Brother? Nay, sir. I’d say the resemblance is more at the cousin level. 

Jon: Did this call for divine intervention?

Sandy:  Divine intervention didn’t seem super effective. This called for a whole landscaping company with those industrial lawnmowers, but Lionel actually did pretty decently on his own. 

Jon: Have you ever kicked ass for the Lord?

Sandy:  Every goddamn day.

Jon: Bad luck Father McGruder?

Sandy:  Yyyeeaaahhhh….. 😬

Jon: Maybe Void shouldn’t use the spoon?

Sandy:  I find the effort to be surprisingly civil and polite for what he was, but no, he did not do well with that. 

Jon: Grosser zombie sex than Shed of the Dead?

Sandy:  Definitely funnier. Also, yes, much more disgusting. Much much more. 

Jon: Did you sing don’t cry for me little Paquita when she cried?

Sandy:  No………………………………….

Jon: Oh good a zombie baby?

Sandy:  Haha, I can’t decide if that’s my favorite part of the movie or if all the scenes where the nurses head flops over are my favorite, or the lawnmower scene, or the top half of that zombie dude’s head sliding all over the floor in the ocean of blood and guts. Lots to choose from. What’s your favorite part of this movie?

Jon: Toss up between the lawnmower and the living colon.  Why would he take the zombie baby out in public?

Sandy:  Lionel is a good person and he saw a baby that he thought needed nurturing. Clearly that baby’s parents couldn’t take it for a stroll anywhere.

Jon: Are they not dead exactly?

Sandy:  I guess not? If they were really dead they wouldn’t be able to get pregnant and give birth I’d imagine?

Jon: That’s a fair point.  I don’t think the reproductive system works post mortem.  Should you inject anything into a zombie if you haven’t tested it to see if maybe it makes super zombies?

Sandy:  I mean, how do you test it without injecting it into at least one of them? Also though, no. Just kill them.

Jon: Would you watch as someone tore your ribcage out or close your eyes?

Sandy:  I guess it would depend on how fast it happened and how much shock I was in while it was happening.

Jon: I’d close my eyes.  Strongest colon ever?

Sandy:  You know, I’m not sure how strong the average colon actually is. What internal organ do you think could hold the weight of an entire person on its own?

Jon: I feel like none of them could because they just sort of squirt out from under you but maybe a dried stomach could.  Best lawnmower scene ever?

Sandy:  YES.

Jon: I don’t know.  That Frankenhooker lawnmower is pretty fucking good too.  How much do you think it would cost to have that mess cleaned professionally?

Sandy:  More than Lionel has, most likely. I think it would probably be better to just burn it down and hope for some insurance money.

Jon: Well if that’s the case Lionel got lucky for the first time in his life.

 

Lessons

Don’t capture monkeys the natives don’t want you to take.

Lawnmowers have many uses.

Get mom something nice.  Don’t get her household appliances.