Happy Valentine's Day

February 14th is Valentine’s Day, the king of the Hallmark holidays.  It’s a day to celebrate love but also to prop up the flower and chocolate industries.  If you’re lucky, you find the person you’re meant to be with for the rest of your life.  This is so nearly the case for Jennifer and Batz in Frank Henenlotter’s Bad Biology.  Batz and Jennifer suffer from strange and strangely compatible sexual abnormalities and their union would have been one of the greatest love stories in cinematic history on par with Romeo and Juliet.  So make sure you get a gift for your significant other then snuggle in to watch Bad Biology and read our blog.

Questions

JON:  Seven clits seems like a lot?

SANDY:   It’s excessive and also arbitrary… why 7? Did you feel a little bit like you were listening to the beginning of Moby Dick with that talking intro of hers? “I was born with 7 clits” felt like the start of an epic tale to me. “The girl with the crazy pussy” brought me back down to Earth though.

JON:  Oh this puts Melville to shame.  As Jennifer details her struggle living with 7 clits, I was quite moved and I felt the “crazy pussy” line was particularly poignant.  So no one notices the only woman in the bar and she’s super aroused?

SANDY:  Maybe it’s a gay bar. Maybe they were like “Ewww, look at that genetic mistake over there. I heard she has 7 clits. Gross crazy-pussied bitch.” Didn’t it also seem like that pool table was on the edge of outer space? Or do I need to adjust the darkness ratio on my tv?

JON:  It did feel very spacey with the lighting but you may also need to adjust your TV.  Does this naked guy have too many pill bottles?

SANDY:  You know, when I saw all of those empty bottles I thought it was ridiculous that he hadn’t thrown them away, but then I remembered the slobs I’ve dated and that scenario suddenly became completely plausible. Do you think he was saving those bottle for some future crafting project? WHAT CRAFTING PROJECT DO YOU THINK HE WOULD USE THOSE BOTTLES FOR? 

JON:  I think he’s saving them to build a cage for his penis.  NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

SANDY:  HAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA. Best part of the movie. I might have gone into the medical field if it could have been guaranteed that I’d get to stab a syringe full of windex into at least one at least one dick per day.

Jon: Maybe no sex on a hard floor for Jennifer?

SANDY:  In that particular case I think she probably did the world a service. But yeah, no hard floors for her during sex, unless the dude is wearing one of those foamy high school wrestling helmets maybe. Were all of the actors in this movie virgins, or have I just not been fucking correctly? Who moves like that during sex?

JON:  Apparently everyone except you.  Definitely better than the ones in The Room and Champagne and Bullets. Is that how child birth works?

SANDY:  Yes. The women who carry children for 9 months are just holding it in. Like when you have to shit but don’t want to do it in the bathroom you have access to, so you wait all day until you get home and then sometimes it won’t come out even though you still have to go. Before you realized she was about to have a 2-hour mutant baby in the bathtub, were you as perplexed as I was about her very strange ravenous eating?

JON:  Not really.  I eat way more than that after sex.  My post coitus budget is insane.  Is Fuck Face the correct name for her photo collection?

SANDY:  I think it’s actually wildly appropriate considering they were all taken while fucking. I also legitimately liked the images. I thought they were creepy & interesting. What’s the difference between an orgasm and getting murdered?

JON:  Well the French call orgasms Le petit muerte or the little death so je ne sais pas maybe they are the same.  Is that a lot of blood to lose through menstruation?

SANDY:  1/5 of all the blood in your body? Yes... that’s a lot. Also, getting your period at 5 years old is not normal. Did you know that NASA once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons would be enough for her 6-day trip to space? Did you also know that that is a fucking ridiculous question for ROCKET SCIENTISTS to ask?

JON:  Nope.  I have very little knowledge of the menstrual cycle.  Should she have asked for 200 or is 100 way too many?  Is it obvious that she does everything different now?

SANDY:  Not to someone that doesn’t know how she did things before. Why do all of her clits look like nipples & why are they moving all around?

JON:  You mean that’s not normal?  I thought they all did that.  Should you talk about your kids while you’re banging?

SANDY:  I don’t think people should talk about their kids ever. Especially not while banging though. Nothing dries the flow up faster than hearing a monologue about someone’s twin daughters and their beautiful mother. How about her apologies mid-murder? Sincere?

JON:  Her apology was as sincere as the Vagina Monologues.  Some guys just can’t handle dirty talk?

SANDY:  Oh man, explain this question because I can’t recall what it’s referencing specifically. 

JON:  Jennifer loved talking dirty while murdering the guys she was banging.  You dig me pygmy?

SANDY:  First time I’d ever heard that phrase, but I dig it. What the fuck was that chick looking for in the drug dealer’s house???

JON:  A bigger part in the movie.  An Oscar.  That Todd Bridges shit?

SANDY:  Awww… child actors rarely fair well. Was his dick drinking those meds??

JON:  Yeah guys can take medications that way.  Men lucked out.  We can take meds orally, anally and through our pee holes.   Does that machine seem safe?

SANDY:  It does not. Also… where… where does the peen juice go when he’s “finished”?

JON:  If it’s like mine then there’s a catch basin at the bottom so you can recycle it for shampoo.  Some companies pay a fortune for it so their shampoos can be protein rich.  Should parents be able to afford to get their sons hard ons?

SANDY:  The healthcare industry in this country is fucked up. Universal healthcare might guarantee hard ons for anyone who wanted them. Even children. 🤢 Why does he just keep standing there after she notices him and starts yelling about it?? Would you just stand there after getting caught peeping, you fucking creep?

JON:  I mean it’s his fucking house.  He can stand anywhere he wants to and look at whatever he wants.  A drug addicted dick with a mind of its own?

SANDY:  Don’t all dicks have minds of their own? How much of the budget for this movie was spent on that CGI weiner?

JON:  About 85%.  Are vagina faced models crude and filthy?

SANDY:  I don’t know that I’d personally consider it crude and filthy, but I can’t imagine that video would get much airtime anywhere. 

JON:  Does his mommy have titties like those?

SANDY:  I mean… maybe.

JON:  Does Batz’s dick flapping around in his pants remind you of one of those singing fish things?

SANDY:  Haha, not until you said that. That dick was wayyyyyy bigger when she accidentally saw it in the bathroom than when it escaped and went on its adventure, please explain why.

JON:  Sometimes when a man is aroused, blood flows to the penis which makes it grow bigger.  Also his dick was on steroids.  He probably injected recently and then got a good pump in.   If a guy warns you about his dick, should you listen?

SANDY:  Guys lie about their dicks SO MUCH, I’m not sure I’d believe him.

JON:  Should you call your drug dealer if the hooker is perpetually orgasming?

SANDY:  Not unless you gave her drugs from him that directly resulted in said perpetual orgasm. How great was it though, when he placed her down on the cement and took off like a bat out of Hell?

JON:  Obscure Bad Biology fact- That scene was inspired by me.  Do dicks see everything with a purple tint?

SANDY:  Dicks don’t have eyes, Jon. Was the song “Detachable Penis” running through your head on a perpetual loop when his made its escape, or are you a normal person?

JON:  It definitely went through my mind.  Have you ever been that disappointed by a guy not having a dick?

SANDY:  I have yet to encounter a guy without a dick in a sexual context, but if I had seen his dick and then it was gone, I might be like “what… where did it go?” I know I’m a bit out of order chronologically with this question, but does this movie give new meaning to the term “baby dick’? 

JON:  Yes it does.  Does a dick need CPR?

SANDY:  That one did seem to need some help. CPR, I don’t know. Maybe viagra? Have you ever seen an uglier dick than that one? 

JON:  Every time I take a piss.   Is there anything funnier than Jennifer trying to give a dick mouth to mouth?

SANDY:  Maybe the fact that she has 7 clits and that one skinny dude in the junkyard still couldn’t give her an orgasm. If your steroid-raged dick escaped and started a home invasion raping rampage, would it break through the floors and walls like a fucking animal, or would it use a pet door like a civilized creature?

JON:  In the words of Reo Speedwagon, my dick would “crawl upon the floor, come crashing through the door.”  If a guy tells you to let his dick die, should you?

SANDY:  Yeahhhhh, but once it’s not on his body anymore and has something resembling sentience, is it really even his dick to be making decisions about? How many UTIs and STDs do you think that thing spread around? It was crawling all over the floors and presumably underground and inside the walls and then just raw dogged a bunch of different women without washing itself off first… also, was it growling at Jennifer??

JON:  You’re assuming it didn’t wash itself off but the UTIs would be rampant.  That dick was inch worming its way across New York City.  Is this the weirdest movie we’ve watched?

SANDY:  No fucking way. The Greasy Strangler was WAY weirder than this. “Our Father, who art in Jennifer”… do you think they introduced that whole god wants to fuck me crap just to get that line in there?

Jon:  Absolutely. And who can blame them?