September 12th is National Pet Memorial Day. It is a time to remember all the furry friends you’ve made along the way who are no longer with you. We watched Pet Sematary as part of our memorial to our fallen pets and you should too. So read the blog and then watch Pet Sematary. Just don’t bury your pets in a cursed cemetery, or they will come back...
Trailer
Pet Sematary (1989) Trailer #1 | Movieclips Classic Trailers
Questions
JON: Can you do cartwheels?
SANDY: How many bones do I need to break before you’ll be satisfied?
JON: How many have you got? Should you rely on Fred Gwynne to save your child?
SANDY: He did do a standup job of it. Would you keep driving like nothing happened after shaving the asshair off Herman Munster and a toddler with your 18 wheeler?
JON: Yep they should stay the fuck out of the road. Would you buy a house on a road like that?
SANDY: No, but Louis apparently made that decision without the aid of his wife and he is a man, so... What’s the dumbest man thing you’ve done against Alison’s advisement? Was it the exploding bonfire?
JON: If you remember correctly, Alison and you were at fault for the bonfire explosion. It was the safety inspector you two sent to protect us that caused the explosion. Pat and I were safely sword fighting in the street in the dark. Why does Fred Gwynne have such a deep southern accent when he’s in Maine?
SANDY: That is not a southern accent. That is a very seriously heavy northern New England accent, you mook. Have you ever been far enough down south to go to a Piggly Wiggly? Would you be willing to do some research to find out if that’s a franchised company and then go in on opening the first one up north with me? I don’t know anything about the company except that the store name is FANTASTIC.
JON: I have but I’ve never been in one. Would you be excited to go on a tour of a Pet Cemetery right after you move in next to it?
SANDY: I’d be sad for all of the dead pets, but yes I’d probably be pretty interested in exploring it. Jud seemed pretty certain that getting Church fixed would stop him from going into the road, which it of course did not... do you think having all the truck drivers castrated might slow their driving down a bit?
JON: Nope but I think reasonable scheduling and on time expectations would. Is Gage a dickhead?
SANDY: All toddlers are dickheads. Have I expressed to you the pure joy I feel every morning and multiple times throughout my day over the fact that I don’t have children?
JON: Not recently but it is a joy I am familiar with. Shouldn’t the town, the police, the state or someone do something about this road?
SANDY: Fucking seriously. Countless pets and multiple people. Maybe some fucking speed bumps or traffic lights or cops stationed to ticket the insane truck drivers booking it through a residential area. Shit, I’ll give them some of my speeding tickets if it helps.
JON: If a dead guy gives you advice should you take it?
SANDY: ABSOLUTELY YES. If anyone knows what NOT to do, it’s a fucking dead guy. How much liquid shit would have streamed out of your asshole if you were a doctor and a dead dude popped up off your exam table knowing your name AND THEN LATER APPEARED IN YOUR BEDROOM TO GUIDE YOU THROUGH THE WOODS ON A TERRIFYING CAUTIONARY JOURNEY? Also, do you remember the SNL skit “Head-wound Harry”?
JON: Nothing would have come out when he started talking on the exam table because I would have evacuated everything in my bowels when I saw the head wound. I don’t remember Head Wound Harry. If you’re skipping Thanksgiving don’t you have to be responsible enough to keep the cat inside?
SANDY: I’m not sure what the correlation between skipping Thanksgiving and being responsible is, but I think it’s fairly obvious by the location of the house he picked that Louis is not the responsible type. Were you as irritated as I was by Louis not answering Gage when Gage told him he loved him during that phone call? If Gage hadn’t gotten killed by that truck and this hadn’t been a fictional movie, that shit would have resulted in the need for some serious therapy down the line.
JON: Not really. Gage wouldn’t have understood anyway. The living version of that kid was dumb. Is reanimating your daughter’s cat the ultimate in lazy parenting?
SANDY: Did you see how far he had to walk and climb to get to the reanimating burial ground?!? That’s definitely not the walk for a lazy person. But also, Jud guided Louis there and instructed him on what to do without telling him what would happen, so that one is actually not really on Louis’ shoulders. Would you feel comfortable letting your daughter chill with a reanimated corpse cat that stank like death?
JON: Nope. I would not be a lazy parent and allow her to experience death even if it meant I’d have to help her a lot. So Jud knew all this and had Louis do it anyway?
SANDY: Yeah, I don’t get that shit at all. Would you follow your 75-year old 8 foot tall neighbor for miles through the woods and over a bunch of mountain boulders, falling at least once, while carrying a bag full of dead cat, without knowing any details about why you were doing so?
JON: If that neighbor were Fred Gwynne? Maybe. Someone definitely buried a person up there and it was Jud right?
SANDY: Jud buried his dog up there, but it was his neighbor who buried his son in that burial ground and I think Jud was one of the people who tried to stop that guy’s reanimated corpse-son from wreaking havoc on the entire community. I’m not sure why he and the others with him decided burning that guy’s entire house down was the method necessary for doing so, but again... no women were with them to insert logic into the situation. How many reanimated dead demon animals would you have roaming your property if Alison had access to a sacred/cursed Micmac (Mi’ kmaq) burial ground?
JON: I don’t think we’d have any. I think Alison is way more responsible than anybody in this movie. Rachel doesn’t do much of the heavy lifting as a parent does she?
SANDY: She carried both of those fuckers inside her body for approximately 9 months each, I’d consider that some pretty heavy lifting. Once she gave birth though, she was like “Fuck that noise, I’ve got other shit to do. Like not watching my kids ever at all and then screaming when they walk into traffic repeatedly because I wasn’t watching them.” How many times of your toddler wandering onto a roadway would it take for you to pay attention to where that kid was at every moment?
JON: How much do I care about the kid? If I really cared about the kid, it wouldn’t even take one time especially after our cat got smoked on that same road. Want to feel old? Ellie is 41 and Gage is 35 now.
SANDY: Ellie kind of already looked 41 when she was 9, but yes that does feel insane.
JON: Three adults managed to be distracted enough by a kite for Gage to get smoked by that truck. Bad adulting?
SANDY: After the first time Gage almost got hit by a truck I don’t understand why they didn’t keep that kid on a fucking leash. That fucking bloody shoe, Jon... how’d that hit your feels?
JON: Ummmmm not at all. I always laugh at that whole scene for a couple reasons. First, something about people getting hit by large vehicles in movies always cracks me up. Second, one of the first times I watched Pet Sematary, we played a drinking game and by the time we got to this scene we were all wrecked and everything for this point on is still hysterical to me. Guess Ellie is ready to deal with death now?
SANDY: Well, ready or not, here it comes. What was your favorite part of the movie, and what was your least favorite part?
JON: My favorite part is definitely Gage versus truck. My least favorite part is Church getting hit. Rachel’s father is a charming piece of shit isn’t he?
SANDY: I hate that fucking guy so much. The scene at Gage’s funeral where he asks Louis “where were you” breaks my heart and makes me cry until I feel like I might puke EVERY time I watch this movie. I think Louis’ reaction is very well acted. It’s exactly how I’d imagine someone reacting to those words in that situation. You can see him crumble as the words hit his ears. How about the casket getting knocked over and Gage’s little hand bouncing as it pops open for a second when it hits the ground?
JON: Every serious part makes me laugh. It’s a bit of a niche thing but I also find caskets getting knocked over to be pretty funny too. Do you feel like Jud only speaks in riddles and half truths?
SANDY: Jud is speaking in Stephen King old timey New Englander vernacular. If I hadn’t read every one of his books I might not know what the hell Jud was ever talking about. How much money would you pay to see a version of Pet Sematary where Jud was played by Fred Gwynn as Herman Munster?
JON: I kind of feel like we did just without the Herman makeup. That’ll be something else to laugh about next time. Would you bury Gage in the Pet Sematary?
SANDY: First of all, Louis buried Gage in the sacred Micmac (Mi’ kmaq) burial ground, though I’m not even 100% sure it was for burials and not just a sacred ritual area? Second of all, no. Did Church’s second death bother you more than his first? Something about the look on his face as he lost control of his own body and flopped over fucks me up big time.
JON: No it bothered me less. At that point, he needed to be put down and Louis did it humanely. How many warnings does Louis need?
SANDY: Apparently at least one more than he got. How many promises/swears does Louis make and then break throughout the movie?
JON: All of them. Every promise he made, he broke. Shouldn’t Rachel be more sympathetic to Ellie?
SANDY: She should be, but as was stated earlier, her responsibility to those kids seemed to end the moment they plopped out of her twat. How much intensive psychotherapy is Ellie going to need for her entire life after all of this shit?
JON: Probably a lot especially since she’s going to be raised by her scummy grandparents. Does Rachel’s mom really know how men are when they’re alone?
SANDY: Since she’s not a man and also couldn’t have ever been with a man while he was alone, I’m going to say no. Have you ever heard a Loon’s call in real life? (It legit sounds like a banshee or a woman screaming in absolute terror.)
JON: Yes I’ve heard you before. Is everyone in this town lazy? Those cops made no real effort to search the cemetery.
SANDY: My theory is that this town only has one cop and he’s 2 days away from retiring. What’s up with Missy?
JON: I would say Missy since she’s hanging from the ceiling. Is Rachel getting her deposit back for the car?
SANDY: It DID apparently already have a huge scratch down the side of it so maybe no one will notice. Um... but also she’s super dead and won’t be needing that shit. Where do you think reanimated Rachel goes after she presumably kills the shit out of Louis?
JON: I would like to think she goes to a resort for some relaxation but she’s probably going to Chicago to kill her parents and Ellie. What does that trucker expect in return for the ride?
SANDY: Quaaludes.
JON: Did Gage come back with a score to settle?
SANDY: Haha, “THIS IS FOR NOT LETTING ME EAT COOKIES WHENEVER I WANTED!” Wouldn’t Gage have been embalmed? How could he come back after being embalmed? How ridiculous is it that embalming is the thing I’m getting hung up on with all the other shit that’s happening in this movie?
JON: We all have our limits, Sandy. Yours is embalming. Is post death Gage more likeable?
SANDY: Post death Gage reminded me of Chucky from Child’s Play when he was in the attic hanging his mother. How much stronger and more knowledgeable do people become after death if Gage was able to mangle Jud’s jaw the way he did and then carry his mother into the attic, fasten a noose and hang her so she’d drop down right in front of his father? I’ll need to see some equations and all of your margin work.
JON: Well he also seemed to have aged a couple years also and restyled his hair so Years aged * Hair gel - hours in reanimating grave / amount of alcohol consumed = Strength and Intelligence gained so 12. Shouldn’t Jud have left the house and gone for help?
SANDY: Yeah, napping probably wasn’t the best move when he knew what was being done and how terrible a mistake it would be. Is Jud walking around with Gage’s random giggles echoing throughout the house the creepiest scene ever in a movie? I can’t even watch it anymore because of that Achilles’ tendon bit. I have to avert my eyes and pretend like I don’t know EXACTLY what’s about to happen.
JON: I guess but killer Gage makes me laugh so much. Why does Rachel’s dead sister hate her so much?
SANDY: Because Rachel’s spine wasn’t trying to escape from her body? Would you make out with Alison if she came back to life with one gaping oozing eyehole?
JON: Does she have an eyepatch? Maybe. Louis can’t really be mad at Gage can he?
SANDY: I mean... Gage coming back as a wee psycho killer was really Louis’ fault, so he’d have to be a pretty terrible dickhole to be mad at the kiddo for that. Did you get Chucky vibes from Gage in the attic as he hung Rachel and flew out at Louis like a deranged sugar glider?
JON: Yeah there was one scene where Gage’s arm looked exactly like Chucky. Did Gage learn to talk better after he was dead?
SANDY: That kid’s phraseology aged 30 years after death. “NO FAIR”... best line in the movie?
JON: Yes no doubt and also a time to chug your entire drink. How funny is the way Gage falls at the end?
SANDY: His fall and his growls complimented each other quite nicely. How do you think they got him to fall like that? Do you think someone tripped him or pushed him down and then bent his neck at a 90 degree angle against the wall, or do you think they just buttered the bottoms of his shoes and let gravity do its thing?
JON: Stephen King stood behind him and shoved his little ass. Is Louis just plain dumb?
SANDY: Well, he IS a man, Jon. OHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Haha, yeah. This guy is not the crunchiest peanut in the turd. Which do you like better, Pet Sematary or Pet Sematary 2?
Jon: The original because I don't have a fun drinking game for the 2nd one.
Lessons
Fix your pets. I feel like Bob Barker but seriously get them spayed or neutered. You know you don’t want the responsibility of baby pets. It’s also healthier for the pet.
Don’t bring back the dead.
Ask for help. If you don’t know what you’re doing or can’t do it alone, get help. Help might even talk you out of reanimating all your dead loved ones.
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