June 18th National Go Fishing Day. It’s a day to grab your rod and head out to the nearest body of water and catch some fish so you can eat tonight. I know most of you don’t need to catch fish to live anymore. For many, fishing is reminiscent of the Mitch Hedberg joke, “ They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.” The day is really about being alone with your rod or conversely, it’s about being with someone and spending time together. I don’t know really. I’m not much for fishing. The last time I fished I wasn’t more than 12 and my grandfather brought my brother and me to one of those fish farms where all you have to do is drop a hook in the water and you’ll catch something. At the time, I was really impressed with myself for finally catching a fish big enough to eat but in hindsight it wasn’t too spectacular but don’t let me ruin the day for you. Grab your pole and head out or if you’re like me leave your pole alone and watch a movie made to celebrate fishing- BLOOD HOOK. 17 years after the mysterious disappearance of his grandfather, Peter returns to the lake where he vanished with 4 friends for some fishing, relaxation and perhaps some closure but things do not go as planned.
Jon: Quite a roll of opening songs?
Sandy: I actually enjoyed the opening track and the jazzy lady song about fishing. The opening credit music and the theme music repeated throughout the movie reminded me so much of yet another movie I can't remember the name of...
Jon: Do you know what a tape recorder is?
Sandy: Well I sure as shit do now. What the fuck is up with that face flop gramps did off the dock? Was he caught by that lure, or did he just have a cicada stroke and drop?
Jon: The over explanations in the first few minutes are great. Not only an extended tape recorder lesson but also how to use a stud finder.Jon: Fish Heads yum?
Sandy: Is that a band?
Jon: Oh no. It’s this… https://youtu.be/JKDtUzRIG6IJon: Do you want to supplant the Muskie Champ?
Sandy: Oh, you’d better believe I'm coming for that title.
Jon: Just remember, that old bastard Denny Dobyns cheats like a motherfucker.Jon: Would you live in a giant Muskie?
Sandy: Will it smell like a Muskie?
Jon: Of course it would. You can’t get the smell of Muskie out.
Sandy: No fucking way. I’m not living in a fish stink house.Jon: Would you wear that to a country restaurant?
Sandy: Probably?
Jon: Ever catch a middle aged loon woman?
Sandy: That shit was bananas. She left the table to call a cab but didn't take her purse and never came back to even say goodbye to her own kids, yet no one batted an eye over it... What the fuck? The daughter was a whiny twat and the husband was a total asshole the whole time to everyone. Maybe she put the fucking hook into her own neck to escape that hell.
Jon: It was a good hour of movie time before anyone in her family was even remotely concerned about her.
Jon: Is fishing bourgeoisie?
Sandy: Are hipsters doing it?
Jon: Yes
Sandy: Hipsters ruin everything.
Jon: Is it so uncool that it’s cool?
Sandy: Fuck you.
Jon: Gun fishing?
Sandy: If some of those people had been gun fishing, maybe they'd still be alive. See? Guns are the answer sometimes... 😬 Not true, I absolutely do not condone gun fishing. Or gun carrying. By anyone. Ever.
Jon: Who do you think is the fishing killer when Rodney gets it?
Sandy: I totally thought it was my grumpy red shirted friend, but was pleasantly surprised by the truth while also somehow not being surprised at all. It would have made sense for it to have been him, but it also made perfect sense for who the killer actually turned out to be.
Jon: Chain of evidence?
Sandy: Are you talking about his little under the dock floating conga line? Because those faces were ON POINT. I want that shit on a shirt.
Jon: Do you like big Muskies?
Sandy: I LIKE BIG MUSKIES AND I CANNOT LIE. I don't actually give a shit personally, but if I'm participating in a contest for who catches the biggest one, then yes I like big Muskies.
Jon: So it’s really just about the motion of the Muskie?
Sandy:I think it’s about the teeth. Have you seen the teeth on a Muskie?
Jon: Nope. So what you’re saying is size doesn’t matter. Teeth do.
Sandy: Yes. For Muskies. But also if a dick had teeth I’d probably be like “Nah, I’m good”
Jon: Shower caps fashionable or nah?
Sandy: Shower caps are a necessity for the person who wants to avoid having to dry and restyle their hurrr. But slap a flower on that shit and you'll be the hit of the Easter parade.
Jon: Is Muskie good eating?
Sandy: I hear it tastes like lobster if you eat it with butter. Or, at least that's what Google tells me.
Jon: Do cicadas make people crazy?
Sandy: Jon, did you watch the movie? You have to have a metal plate in your head and be hearing the cicadas along with two other specific notes? The Devil's Trinote!!
Jon: Did you know there was so much meat on a finger?
Sandy: Did you know a fishing lure could tear your ear off?
Jon: Actually that’s how my great great grandfather lost his ear.
Jon: Should Peter ever guide an investigation?
Sandy: Well,he's 0 for 1 so far...
Jon: Ever find a stud?
Sandy: If you’re FISHING for a compliment, you’d better ask Alison, you goon.
Jon: Ever smoke anyone out? Know how?
Sandy: I've smoked people up, does that count?
Jon: Pay per View fishing rod duels? Good idea or big liability?
Sandy: Both? This isn't a thing that exists already?!
Jon: It’s about to be. We can get the guy from River Monsters to host it.
Jon: What should they call the sequel?
Sandy: Captain Blood Hook? Blood Hook, Line and Sinker? Off the Blood Hook? Whatever it's called, it needs to be a revenge movie starring that totally neglected kid as an emotionally scarred adult.
Sandy: Will the Devil's Trinote work to make you a serial killer if you don't have a metal plate in your head but you do wear a football helmet or large hoop earrings?
Jon: The football helmet will muffle it enough so that you just involuntarily maturbate but the hoops earrings amplify that shit. I know all too well.
Sandy: Did you also think you were about to take a forest roller coaster ride with that kid in the opening scene, only to be severely disappointed by the most anticlimactic downhill trip that ever happened?
Jon: That fucking lake elevator is the slowest thing ever. It was painful when Ann desperately needed it later in the movie and it just chugged along. Also, how did it get back to the top. Was it automatic? Ann had just ridden that thing to the lake and when she needed it, it was gone again.
Sandy: That’s an excellent point, why the eff wasn’t it still down there for her? And why did she just stand there in the open, totally available for him to hook into her again??
Sandy: “What if he gets eaten by a bear? Well, he might. But mom has to be happy too. Sometimes it's the only chance I have to work out.” Mother of the year?
Jon: Bev D. was actually 2 time reigning mother of the year before her death in a tragic hooking incident. Her skills were particularly on display while she lifted weights as the kid played by the water and nearly got reeled away.
Sandy: IS THIS LAKE A PLAYGROUND JON?
Jon: The lake IS NOT a playground Sandy. The lake is to be respected.
Sandy: True or False? “If you feel comfortable killing me, that's okay. I'm an adult, l can live with it.” Can she live with it though?
Jon: False. This is just psychobabble from Ann. The way I understand it, if he killed her she would not be able to live with it or with anything else for that matter. She’d be fucking dead.
Sandy: Would you take a bucket of human entrails out of another man's refrigerator?
Jon: I would never take anything out of another person’s refrigerator without permission, especially not their special bucket of entrails.
Sandy: BOY THIS MOVIE GIVES NEW MEANING TO THE PHRASE “HOOKING UP”... get it?!?! GET IT???
Jon: Ugh. Fuck you Sandy!
Sandy: “I hate when you chew with your mouth open.” “I hate when you TALK with your mouth open.” Best line in the movie?
Jon: It’s up there. All the Evelyn Duerst rants are great too but I think my favorite is “This, like, hippie music makes me feel like I’m, like, full of chowder man. Like, how long do I have to suffer, huh?”
Lessons
Treat the water with respect. It’s not a playground. There’s all kind of stuff going on in the water from irresponsible human activity to aquatic life looking to bite you. It’s also a fish toilet.
Don’t piss off the caretaker. If you have people taking care of your property which you haven’t been to in 17 years, don’t shit on them. They’re working hard to keep your property looking nice. You just come across like an asshole.
Don’t be afraid to make noise. If your role in a rescue mission is to make a lot of noise, you better do it. Also, metaphorically, take chances if you want to be noticed.
Don’t overanalyze everything. Sometimes you just need to go with the flow and enjoy the ride and all the other cliches.
Don’t wait for the elevator. Especially when a madman is fishing for you. It’s always slow and often stinky and crowded. Just run.
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